Will.i.am Vs. Perez Hilton

I’m obsessed with the new Black Eyed Peas Album. I have no idea why. I shouldn’t be. “They just aren’t my genre”, but something about their fresh summer sounds make me feel like I’m at a constant party. There’s a song called ‘One Tribe’ that is my current favorite.

“One Tribe, One Time, One Planet, One Race
It’s all one blood, don’t care about your face
The color of your eye
Or the tone of your skin
Don’t care where you are
Don’t care where you been
….
Cuz man, I’m loving this peace
Man, man I’m loving this peace
Man, man I’m loving this peace
…
One tribe, ya’ll
One tribe, ya’ll
One tribe, ya’ll
We are one people
Let’s cast amnesia, forget about all that evil
Forget about all that evil, that evil that they feed ya
Remember that we’re one people”

I’m 32 and jaded. Hilariously bitter. I honestly try to find the good in everything, even though everything isn’t good. I would be a lot happier if I didn’t believe in happiness. So, when a song catches the spirit of forgiveness and positivity and wraps it up in a dance party – I get excited. It makes me feel like the unattainable is attainable. Will. i. am., the man behind this song, just dampened my summer party. Perez Hilton called him a ‘faggot’ and someone in Will’s posse punched him. Even if it wasn’t Will.i.am. himself, he obviously condones the physicality.

Sure, Perez Hilton is a slug. I don’t love his schtick, even though the American culture created him. He should take a lesson from this beating and eat some humble cake soup. He definitely should not be able to use the word ‘faggot’ at anyone. It is intolerable, and for someone who seeks tolerance for equal civil rights, Perez comes off Superlametown, USA.

Here is my open note to Will.i.am…

Dear Will.i.am.,

I’ll be honest. I’m actually on Perez’s side on this, which I feel is the minority. Verbal violence does not equate physical violence – under any circumstances. End of story. Will, you should take a listen to your own song and learn a lesson yourself. I hate it when I feel like I wanna be positive and then, suddenly, I’m reminded of why the world will never be one, big, dance party. Just makes me sad. Thanks a lot, Will.i.am., for not believing in your own artistic creation. How can I believe, if you can’t back it up?

I guess you “just aren’t my genre”.
I guess you’re just Will.i.was.

Why I’m Glad Kris Allen Won ‘American Idol’

Think of all the momentum that Adam Lambert had built during the ‘American Idol’ competition. Think of the millions of fans that were befuddled when they announced Kris Allen the winner. Now, think of this reality TV show as a political metaphor for gay rights.

Adam Lambert is a no-brainer if you are judging solely upon vocal prowess, but this show isn’t just about who sings the best. The show is about who is most popular, and most importantly, how do you manipulate the wholesome viewers to like you best? We heard all about Danny Gokey’s dead wife until she was beat into the ground like a dead horse. The producers paraded Scott Whatshisname, better known as The Blind Guy, for all to see. Single motherhood was the theme for that one chick who’s name fails me, but I’m too uninterested to google her name. Kris Allen was seen at his family’s house in Arkansas, just having a good, old family time. But what was Adam’s backstory? Can you remember? Nothing.

The best way to deal with an unofficially-out gay artist is by not dealing with it. No mention of your family life. No mention of a boyfriend. No mention of his flamboyant style. Adam’s talent spoke for itself. I don’t blame Adam for not officially coming out. You have to play the system to beat the system.

So, what happened? The bottom line is that Danny Gokey votes flocked to Kris Allen after Danny was eliminated, coming in third. But, if you take a moment and realize that ‘American Idol’ is the number one family show, then it doesn’t take a genius to realize that they are rooting for their squeaky clean Kris Allen. They have the numbers to vote in Kris, but it doesn’t mean he is the best singer. The American Majority isn’t always right, just like the debate on gay marriage.

I am glad Kris Allen won because it will keep the conversation rolling on what is right and what is wrong in regards to gay politics. Adam Lambert will continue to fight for his sure-to-be amazing career, just as gays everywhere will continue to fight for our soon-to-be accepted marriage equality.

In the shocked words of Kris Allen himself, after being announced the winner, “Adam deserves this.” And so does every gay American.

The tides continues to turn…

New Summer Music

I like french fries, wine, and rejecting America’s stance on war, so I’m not surprised that the first of my summer music-loves is from Paris. Phoenix, a band that started in 2000 and latched onto the success of other French groups, like Air and Daft Punk, by remixing the shit out of shit, has come out with a lush and happy album that makes me feel like I am sitting under a tree, enjoying a cool breeze – and a blowjob.

Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix is the fourth studio album by Phoenix. It is the beginning to, what will soon be, my Summer ‘09 memories. Perfect music for perfect weather.

Check out Phoenix’s great website and be sure to browse through their photocentric blog - http://www.wearephoenix.com

Protesting Protests

I stood behind the police barrier as the people walked past me. Hundreds became thousands. There was about 50 of us penned in the fences, but there was a countless mob of ethnic Christians all around. Their brown faces twisted with hate and disgust. They were armed with megaphones and Biblias. Most of their ramblings were in a foreign language, but it was clearly translated into one word – “homophobia”.

Why was I inspired to go to this anti-gay marriage protest that was sponsored by Radio Vision Cristiana International and the Hispanic Clergy Organization? Because I wanted the haters to put faces to the people they are discriminating against. You can’t bring bus-loads full of people, who speak English as a second language, into the gay island of Manhattan to protest without hearing from us. I wanted to represent.

Since we were dealing with very religious activists, I wanted to bring a symbol with me that they would recognize. I brought a bright, yellow crucifix with a wooden heart attached to the middle, where Jesus usually hangs. It was given to me by a developmentally disabled student of mine years ago. To me, it means unconditional love. It means that everyone is equal in the eyes of love, no matter your religious beliefs. I stood silently, with my cross at my chest, and made sure to look everyone in the eye as they went past. The site of a faggot holding a cross drove them insane.

“God bless you”, said one lady without looking me in the eye.

“God bless you”, said an old man as he walked by with his eyes closed.

“It’s not about hate, it’s about love. Jesus LOVES you.” An angry teenager told us this, but her tone was full of anger. I thought perhaps it was due to her age, then a lady in her 40’s walked past and sneered, “God bless you”.  This happened too many times to count. The looks of confusion on the children’s faces was heartbreaking.

As the parade of hostile churchgoers continued, I noticed that the script they were saying said, “Jesus loves you” or “God bless you”, but the subtext in their hearts was “Fuck you fag” or “You’re sick, jerk”. What they were saying clearly did not match what they were feeling. Every time a Bible was shoved in my face, I couldn’t help but hear the real Jesus say, “Please don’t do that. Please don’t use my name in hate.” I can’t think of anything more sick than the sanctimonious actions of every mother who walked by carrying their daughter in their arms or pushing their son in a stroller while using Jesus as a tool of hate. Completely disgusting people.

Whenever minorities speak out against gay marriage, it really pushes my “fuck off” button. They know similar struggles, they are supposed to “get it”. Homophobia runs deep in religion and misunderstanding. It’s clear that blacks, or latinos in this case, are born “that way”, but gay people have to prove over and over again, that we are based in genetics too. Until everyone understands that, nothing will truly change.

On the upside, I got to meet Lt. Dan Choi (click his name to see his video on The Rachel Maddow Show), who was part of the under-attended counterprotest. He has become the current face of the ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ policy. He is also originally from Orange County, Ca. and he told me about how his dad refuses to talk to him since he came out of the closet. We chatted for about 5 minutes. He is such a great guy.

After an hour of barfable latinos yelling at me, I went to get drunk on sangria at brunch with a bunch of gays. I have made a slide show full of the gross people I encountered while at the protest. Enjoy!

It’s All In My Head

“You have a very beefy uvula and your tonsils are too fat.”

That was the official diagnosis. I’ve been having strange headaches and occasional dizzy spells since October. Since I have dope-ass insurance, they had tested me for everything. MRI, CAT scan, EKG machines, hearing tests, balance tests, sleeping tests… blah blah blah. The best anyone could come up with until now was, “It’s a stress and tension headache. Here’s some pills. Also, you should go to the gym more.” That was the official diagnosis of my hippyesque neurologist. But, that was 5 months ago. This time, it was my snarky, lesbian ortohinolaryngologist’s turn to make a ruling.

“I’ll be honest. It’s going to be ten days of hell, but I promise to give you percoset.” She was a tiny woman, but she could totally kick my ass if she wanted, and she knew it. “Your tonsils are blocking air while you sleep and your uvula is choking you. They need to be taken out.” I noticed more than a hint of excitement when she said the words “taken out”.

Apparently, the cause of all my maladies is bad sleep. Poor rest is the root of all my evils. It is connected to poor energy levels, which I thought I was suffering from simply because I am old now. It is the instigator of slow metabolism. I will now blame my weightiness on not sleeping for a full eight hours during my lifetime. Most importantly, if air is not getting to your brain while you are sleeping, you can suffer from headaches and dizziness. I have noticed that I will sometimes wake up in the middle of the night, but then go right back to bed. Turns out, this is because my uvula is cutting off my breathing.

“We definitely need to shave your uvual. It’s so big!”

I couldn’t help but chuckle. “Is it going to hurt?”

“I always tell my patients that I would rather have ten tonsillectomies, than one shoulder surgery. Now THAT is real pain.”

“Oh? You have shoulder problems?”

“Yeah. A lot. I used to play tennis.” Of course she did.

“If I’m a good boy, do you have lollipops to give away after the surgery?”

“Oh, we have them, but you don’t get any. Too much sugar. You can stand to have a healthier treat.”

Look, I get it. I should probably lose some weight. But, really? Does EVERY doctor need to keep telling me this? I have joined the YMCA and I try to go every day. I DON’T go every day, but I have made a really great “Gym Bunny” mix on my ipod for when I do!

Dr. Dykey is scheduled to perform my surgery next month. It’ll be my first time “going under” for a procedure. I can’t WAIT to take a video of me waking up from the anaesthesia!

New Hobby: Brazilian Cinema

A Poem About Rainbows

A friend of a friend of mine is a third grade teacher. Last week, she had her students write poems. This is one of them, which includes spelling errors.

RAMBOS

Everywhere I look
I see a Rambo.

I see a Rambo of books
of all colors.

I see a Rambo of words.
I see a Rambo of people.

And most important
I see a Rambo
of hearts.

– Christian, Grade 3

Amazing example of douchebaggery!

The guy who does this blog is fucking brilliant. It’s called Blogger Interrupted and I highly suggest you look at his videos. He goes to highly conservative and hostile protests and exposes them for the poo-poo heads they have become.

MJ’s Neverland Ranch Auction

The last 24 hours has been a rollercoaster of emotion. First, I found out that Michael Jackson is putting everything in his Neverland Ranch up for auction. Then today, I found out that he is canceling the auction because he hasn’t been able to sort through the items he wants to keep. I must get my hands on something from his collection!!

You can still view the lots for auction for the time being on Julien’s Auction’s website… for now. Just in case they disappear, I am posting some of the more, um, eye-catching pieces. I would give a nut for the mouse-boy below or the sculpture in the next photo, which is titled “Two Boys Catching Crabs”.

Ps… This slide is a life-sized sculpture… with life-sized kids. LIFE-SIZED.

Yes, thats a Bucking Bronco coin operated ride. The framed painting above is named, “Baiting Boys”. I’m not kidding. That’s what the website said. I swear.

Mel Gibson is Creepytown

Easter Chat with Mom

Easter has become one of those holidays that I don’t have to call home. Since my mom has joined Facebook, Easter accidentally became a holiday that we chat about online. Here is a small excerpt -

Mom: Out of curiousity… do you believe in God?

Me: Sure. I believe in a God. I just think organized religion of any sort is lame. Nothing is more hateful to me than a bunch of people getting together and telling other people they are wrong. Mormons are just as crazy as Catholics. Christians just as crazy as Muslims, and so on and so on. I think every person should have their own personal relationship with whatever God they want.

Mom: Oh good, that makes me feel better. I have to go poop now. Bye!

Top 10 Toys That Made You Gay

Time Warner Cable

Dear Time Warner,

Fuck you in your fucking fucked up fuck hole mouth. You are shitty shit. You are the suckiest suck in sucktown. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you in your stupid fucking face. Fix this problem NOW. It’s been four weeks of the crappiest customer service experience ever. Get your act together. Jesus Fucking Christ. It’s been 7 days without internet. Do you realize internet is oxygen for gay guys? I just got a fucking MacBook and I can’t even use it. You are killing me.

Sincerely,
Jeffrey Marx

Gym Bunny

The Greenpoint YMCA was having a sign up special. It was such a good deal that I signed up for it. That was two months ago.

I flaked out on the first two free training appointments, but I was determined to keep the third one. My trainer’s name is Kirsten. If i snapped my fingers, I could break her in half. She’s small and blonde and skeletal. Mostly, she is there to hold me accountable by providing a series of sign in sheets, happy pep talks, and daily emails that include “Recipes of the Day”. So far, all the recipes seem to contain feta cheese.

Last night was my first work out by myself. I could still taste Ritz crackers from my after work snack. Running on a treadmill with the buttery goodness of a Ritz isn’t very comforting. Neither is jogging my fat ass next to hawt boys. I don’t know what is more difficult – running for 30 minutes in a row or not staring at the sweaty man meat everywhere.

Anyway, I have embarked on a gym gyourney… again. Wish me luck.

Two States Get Gay Marriage In One Week!

Iowa and Vermont just took California out back behind the schoolyard and pushed him in the mud. California has until June 3rd to deliver it’s ruling on Prop 8. In the meantime, two states have ruled that gay marriage is legal. Hey California! Don’t look like a douchebag! 

Even Washington DC is getting in on the action by recognizing same sex marriage. So, if you get married in another state, then you have all the rights in Washington DC. Hollerrrrr.