A Shit-Stick Wedding

My lovely, red-headed vixen, Johanna Parker married the hilarious and handsome Eric Appel this past weekend. They met when my and Johanna’s improv team, Ugly Stick, played Eric’s team, Shit-Storm, at Upright Citizen’s Brigade several years ago. They are a freaking awesome couple and I am super happy for both of them. Sadly, I almost didn’t make it to the wedding at all!

On my way to meet Cody and Betsy at Betsy’s Beamer in Chelsea, my taxi got a flat tire. I had to wander the streets of Brooklyn to get a new car service. Once out of the city, we ran into some very mean fur protesters who were blocking cars in the middle of the road. After sitting through about 40 minutes of furry traffic, we still had a three hour drive upstate ahead of us. We sped northward. We went so fast that we got a speeding ticket. Brilliant. Then, once we were sure we were on our way, we took a wrong turn, but didn’t know it until 30 minutes later – so we had to drive 30 minutes back. We fought a family of cannibalistic hillbillies (no joke), got directions from Bubba Gump, and went in circles a few times because “9 North” is apparently different from “9 N”. At least we got to enjoy the turning of the leaves.

We missed the actual ceremony. It kills me. I hate people who miss the ceremony. What pieces of stupid shit we were to miss it. I heard it was amazing and that they wrote their own vows. I love when people write their own vows, damnit! Of all the straight weddings going on in the world around me, this is one I really wanted to witness!!! I spit in my own eye. Johanna was a vision of beauty and so was her perfect dress!

Anyway, the rest of the evening was terrific. Such joy and harmony! Watching Eric and his mom dance the Mother/Son dance to Kermit the Frog’s “Rainbow Connection” actually made me cry. My mom and I used to sing that song too! The Father of the Bride’s speech always gets me too. Johanna’s dad is such a genuine guy. Great speech!

One of the best ideas I have ever seen at a wedding? An old timey photobooth! Guests take unlimited photos and they all get copies of them. After the wedding, the new married couple get a book of all the photos that were taken. It’s the perfect accent, especially at a wedding full of comedians!

A beautiful event all around. It made me super happy. What a difference from The Georgia Wedding I went to earlier this year. I didn’t even come close to being molested at this wedding! Bravo, Appels, bravo.

April Fool’s Blog

First of all, I want to say that I have 7 April Fools that I did so far today and it’s only noon. I am going to set a new record for all my hilarious and mean jokes I am playing on people. The key is to know they’re desires or fears and play the joke small and subtle, letting their reaction boil up. I let everyone off the hook pretty quickly, so I am not “pure evil” like someone indicated after they thought I was taking them to a live taping of Saturday Night Live.

I would like to showcase three blogs that I have some sort of hand in… by ‘hand’, I mean that I am writing them. Ghost writing. Recently, my job has been paying me to write in the voice of different characters in different blogs. By “paying me”, I mean that I have so much down time at work, this is what I have resorted to fill my time.

Slam Book – She is a bratty 16 year-old high school sophmore.

M’Agenta Brown – Street poet of filth, raw sexuality, and urban erotica.

Cody Melton – NYC comedian who is documenting his weight loss journey.

Please click the links and enjoy reading my new blogs that I am writing! Feel free to tell me which one is your favorite character – Bratty Girl, Urban Erotica Girl, or Cody Melton.

7 Movie Reviews!!!

National Treasure 2: The Book of Secrets

This unfortunate viewing happened only because I saw a double feature with my friend, Cody Melton. I use his full name, because I want him to feel the weight of his actions, of which I am exposing. Cody Melton insisted that we see this piece of cat shit film. I hesitate to use the word ‘film’; I think I will call it a ‘flim’. Fuck Nicholas Cage. Fuck Jon Voight. Please, someone, rescue poor Helen Mirren from this awful flim! I had not seen the first one, and was worried I wouldn’t be up to speed on what was happening in the sequel. No reason to fear that, this movie spoke to the audience like we were 8 years old. The “clues” that these “characters” had to “solve” and “follow” didn’t even make any sense. So forced, so lame, so mad at Cody Melton. I want 91 minutes of my life back.

Sweeney Todd

This was the trade for sitting through goddamn ‘National Treasure’. First off, I liked Tim Burton’s ‘Todd’. That said, if I was a musical purist, I would be pissed. Helena Bonham-Carter is lovely and I adore her, but she just wasn’t right for the role of Mrs. Lovett. Johnny Depp is a fantastic actor, but he just doesn’t have the singing chops for the part of Sweeney Todd. The role of Toby was cast too young, the brilliantly complex layers of score and melody didn’t shine as they should, and several musical numbers were either cut short or left out entirely (my guess is because they were too hard for the cast to sing). I was happy to see Claire Danes playing the role of Anthony Hope. Don’t try to tell me they don’t look exactly the same.

I’m Not There

Booooorrrrrrring. I don’t care how awesome Cate Blanchett is as one part of six pieces of Bob Dylan. I don’t care how artistically stylized Todd Haynes’s direction is in showing us six pieces of Bob Dylan. I don’t care that Heath Ledger and Christian Bale, as hot and awesome of actors as they are, make worthy contributions to two of six pieces of Bob Dylan. I need to care about Bob Dylan in the first place. I also need to have functional knowledge of Bob Dylan throughout his career to decipher what the fuck is going on in this deeply textured (perhaps too deep) film essay on the life of an undoubtedly great musician. By the time Richard Gere showed up on screen, I had forgotten what I was supposed to be watching. I felt like I was lost, like I… wasn’t even there. ‘I’m Not There’ was two hours of flatness and made me feel stupid for ‘not getting it’….whatever ‘it’ was.

No Country For Old Men

Joel and Ethan Coen have a beautifully shot little sparkplug of a western on their hands. Gorgeous cinematography and art direction. I haven’t read the book that it was adapted from, but if I had, I would probably say something like, “they really captured the essence of the book on film through a skilled adaptation and the art of moving pictures.” The story of a creepy madman in pursuit of his money and drugs across a Texan backdrop draws you in and keeps you interested the entire time, especially when he uses some weird, air powered contraption to shoot people that was reminiscent of something Dennis Hopper would have used in ‘Blue Velvet’. I hope Javier Bardem has cleared off a space on his mantle for his upcoming Oscar win.

Before The Devil Knows You’re Dead

Ethan Hawke and Phillip Seymour Hoffman head up an extraordinary cast about a pair of brothers who set out to rob their parent’s jewelry store. The story elements were all there for me to want to like this movie, but something about the heavy direction was very hard to watch. It wasn’t hard to watch as in too gory or too sad or too painful, it was hard to watch as in too dense and slowly paced, as in my eyeballs had a hard time looking at the screen. Weird time dashes, and not like in a groovy ‘Pulp Fiction’ sort of way, more of like a my head accidentally got caught in a blender for a moment sort of way. Never has such firm and evident directing been so off-putting to me. Sorry, Sidney Lumet. Weird original score too. Sorry, whoever wrote the score.

Juno

Whoever thought this was going to be another ‘Superbad’ just because Michael Cera was in it, were probably disappointed. As a movie, I think it’s decently good, but as a star making vehicle for the sassy little frassy, Ellen Page, it’s amazing. The script offers a delightful character for this 20 year-old actress to tear through. She plays a harshly quirky high school girl who finds herself pregnant and giving her baby away for adoption. Allison Janney and Jennifer Gardner offer up some outstanding support performances as well. If you don’t have the soundtrack for this movie yet, you are missing out. Kimya Dawson is an odd folk singer who greatly colors this film.

Margot at the Wedding

Terrific! This just might be my favorite movie all year. Excellent script by ‘The Squid and the Whale’ writer/director Noah Baumbach. Amazingly sarcastic tone throughout the entire film that stays grounded in reality. Margot (Nicole Kidman) arrives at her estranged sister’s (Jennifer Jason Leigh) house in order to help prepare for her wedding to an overgrown shlub (Jack Black). Baumbach really nails the tense family hostility and their comic jabs at each other. The pacing, dialogue, and spirit is dark perfection. I giggled with familial familiarity from beginning to end. Bravo! Incidentally, my friend, Cody Melton, hated this movie. I can’t wait until the sequel “Margot at the Wedding 2: Margot at the Funeral of Secrets”…you bet I will force him to watch it with me.

Laugh Your Ass Off*

….and so it begins….

Today is day one of The Operation. My goal is to keep below 2000 calories – lower carbs, higher proteins, and lots of fruit, veggies and water. No juice, less sugar, and absolutely no vending machines of any kind. I already have completed breakfast and lunch. I am at 913 calories. Good game, Marx, good game.

This weekend, I went to give myself a haircut in the bathroom. A strange impulse overtook me, and I not only shaved my head, but I also stripped my goatee and sideburns from my face. My instincts took over the razor and sheared everything off my head. I went a little high school football/mindless army militia on myself in preparation for today. Instead, I only succeeded in making myself look 12 years old.

The true test comes after work when I fully anticipate having a seizure at my new free gym at (Name of School). The seizure will be induced by one of three things: too much sweat, too much anxiety, or too many hot arty boys. After “hitting the gym”, I will go home and finally watch ‘Gossip Girl’.

* This is the title of Cody’s weight loss show he wants to make. A reality show for fat comedians who want to lose weight. Its like ‘The Biggest Loser’, ‘Survivor’, and ‘Last Comic Standing’ all in one. I would watch it. Especially if I were in it. I also loved ‘Celebrity Fit Club’ with Ross The Intern. I need Ross The Intern by my side. I love him. Ross before. Ross after.

Green Chili Dynamite

I have never shat eight times in the span of ten hours until today. Maybe I have a serious problem. I’ve been sweaty, felt like I am seizing, and saw spots. Somehow, it doesn’t feel like food poisoning, it just feels like I have to shit alot.

I went to Los Dos Molinos last night. It’s “authentic New Mexican cuisine”. Or at least that’s what birthday boy, Cody Melton, said a million times about it. I get it, you’re from New Mexico. Let it rest. The place was fabulous. Amazing food, great drinks, delightful desserts. I ate chips, red salsa, green salsa, guacamole, more chips, more red and green salsa, water, a giant lime margarita on the rocks with salt, a huge machaca beef chimichanga drenched in green chilis and copious amounts of melted cheese, rice, beans and more cheese, sour cream, more chips, more red and green salsa, another giant lime margarita on the rocks with salt, a bite of Betsy’s taco salad, a sip of TJ’s prickly pear margarita, more water, the lettuce underneath my sour cream, a deep fried pastry covered in powdered sugar and caramel drizzled over it, some neopolitan ice cream, water, lemon wedge, and more water. Oh my god, kill me now.

I knew there was going to be a problem when I felt my stomach turn when I sat down on the subway. I stood up and instead of calming the problem, I instigated part two of the Mexican-American War. My chimichanga was fighting for control of the Alamo in my lower intestine. I got home and immediately shat. Then again before I went to bed. I woke up twice in the middle of the night to empty my piehole, the second time stepping in cat vomit on the floor. I woke up to get ready for work. I pooped once before my shower and again after my shower. I left the house and halfway down the block to the subway, I turned around, went back home and crapped again. I was sweaty and my skin felt moist – like a dying person, clammy. I got to work and headed straight for the bathroom because, guess what – I had to drop the kids of at the pool again! Can you even believe it? Sooo lame.

But damn, that was a good dinner. Just not sure if it was worth the Green Chili Craptacular. The Food Baby Festival. Poo Party USA. Ass Blast 2007.

Awkward, Party of One.

I went and saw Alpha Dog about a week ago. It was good enough. As I was walking out of the theater I ran into a friend of mine from one of my improv groups. I was with my other friend, Cody, and we shot the shit for a second with my other friend. How weird that we saw the same movie at the same time at the same theater. Then it got a little weirder.

An old friend of mine came out of the exact same theater behind us. About a year ago, he and I played a fun game of “I Have Romantic Feelings For You And You Do Not Reciprocate Them”. I’ll call him “Jason” since he once asked me “one day, when you write the story of your life, will you change my name? So all the details of my life aren’t available for everyone to see.” I will respect his wishes on that.

This was the first time I had seen “Jason” in three months. The last form of near-communication was when I wished him a Happy Thanksgiving on MySpace and, while he returned the sentiments to other friends of ours, he did not respond to my wishes of ‘Thanks’. I took that as a clear sign of ‘I’m not talking to you anymore’. Then a couple weeks later I noticed that I was not on his Top 24 List anymore. That was definately a confirmation of ‘We’re not friends right now’. Maybe I’m crazy and made MySpace communication more important than it should be or maybe that’s just the world we live in now.

Anyway, we all cheerfully greeted each other and wondered out loud “just how weird it is we all ran into each other” and “wasn’t Justin Timberlake really good in the movie”. We were careful not to really look each other in the eyes or wish each other a ‘Happy New Year’. My friend and I excused ourselves as we were on our way to sneak into another movie. And that was that.

It still amazes me how you can be such great friends with someone for one length of time, and then you wake up one day and that friendship is gone. Maybe its gone because neither person cared to hold on to the friendship. Maybe the fear of intimacy or the fear of rejection has played a role. Maybe, in effort to give each other space to heal, the space accidentally became too large and now it feels awkward to fill it up. Or maybe your perception of what the friendship once was had been built on something entirely different. People fade in and out of each others lives for multiple reasons I am sure. I guess it is up to you to figure out what you learned from that person and how you can currenlty implement it into your life.

While I have healed from the pain of not having those feelings reciprocated, and I no longer think “Jason” is the perfect guy for me, I have not been able to heal the part of me that thought our friendship was stronger than what it ended up being.

One thing I know, is that I almost feel stalled out in being able to connect to new people I meet. I am scared of truly connecting on a sincere, human level and then to have that connection fade away.

That is why I have avoided making friends with Justin Timberlake.