Will.i.am Vs. Perez Hilton

I’m obsessed with the new Black Eyed Peas Album. I have no idea why. I shouldn’t be. “They just aren’t my genre”, but something about their fresh summer sounds make me feel like I’m at a constant party. There’s a song called ‘One Tribe’ that is my current favorite.

“One Tribe, One Time, One Planet, One Race
It’s all one blood, don’t care about your face
The color of your eye
Or the tone of your skin
Don’t care where you are
Don’t care where you been
….
Cuz man, I’m loving this peace
Man, man I’m loving this peace
Man, man I’m loving this peace
…
One tribe, ya’ll
One tribe, ya’ll
One tribe, ya’ll
We are one people
Let’s cast amnesia, forget about all that evil
Forget about all that evil, that evil that they feed ya
Remember that we’re one people”

I’m 32 and jaded. Hilariously bitter. I honestly try to find the good in everything, even though everything isn’t good. I would be a lot happier if I didn’t believe in happiness. So, when a song catches the spirit of forgiveness and positivity and wraps it up in a dance party – I get excited. It makes me feel like the unattainable is attainable. Will. i. am., the man behind this song, just dampened my summer party. Perez Hilton called him a ‘faggot’ and someone in Will’s posse punched him. Even if it wasn’t Will.i.am. himself, he obviously condones the physicality.

Sure, Perez Hilton is a slug. I don’t love his schtick, even though the American culture created him. He should take a lesson from this beating and eat some humble cake soup. He definitely should not be able to use the word ‘faggot’ at anyone. It is intolerable, and for someone who seeks tolerance for equal civil rights, Perez comes off Superlametown, USA.

Here is my open note to Will.i.am…

Dear Will.i.am.,

I’ll be honest. I’m actually on Perez’s side on this, which I feel is the minority. Verbal violence does not equate physical violence – under any circumstances. End of story. Will, you should take a listen to your own song and learn a lesson yourself. I hate it when I feel like I wanna be positive and then, suddenly, I’m reminded of why the world will never be one, big, dance party. Just makes me sad. Thanks a lot, Will.i.am., for not believing in your own artistic creation. How can I believe, if you can’t back it up?

I guess you “just aren’t my genre”.
I guess you’re just Will.i.was.

MJ’s Neverland Ranch Auction

The last 24 hours has been a rollercoaster of emotion. First, I found out that Michael Jackson is putting everything in his Neverland Ranch up for auction. Then today, I found out that he is canceling the auction because he hasn’t been able to sort through the items he wants to keep. I must get my hands on something from his collection!!

You can still view the lots for auction for the time being on Julien’s Auction’s website… for now. Just in case they disappear, I am posting some of the more, um, eye-catching pieces. I would give a nut for the mouse-boy below or the sculpture in the next photo, which is titled “Two Boys Catching Crabs”.

Ps… This slide is a life-sized sculpture… with life-sized kids. LIFE-SIZED.

Yes, thats a Bucking Bronco coin operated ride. The framed painting above is named, “Baiting Boys”. I’m not kidding. That’s what the website said. I swear.

Mel Gibson is Creepytown

I Mette Bette

I was walking down my nothing of a street in Brooklyn, dressed in sweaty gym clothes and pushing a broken cart full of dirty laundry when I came upon a gaggle of short black ladies surrounding a short, spunky white lady. I looked up and it was Bette Midler! I was so shocked that she was two feet away from me! My instant bodily response was to shriek “IT’S BETTE MIDLER!!!”

She looked up from the ladies of the community and her eyes widened as if to say, “Hello, my people! Hello, my one faggy friend in Brooklyn!” I greeted her and looked around. I asked, “What are you doing here???” All the black ladies had fallen silent as I had completely fagged out and was dominating Bette’s attention. Turns out she was there to make a speech at the grand opening of our new community garden and park, which was only four doors down from my apartment. It was built and donated by Target, which had decorated the entire block in white and red spotlights and were passing out s’mores. Bette is the Chairman of the Board for Target’s Community Garden Project. I love how she took that on as a fun and helpful thing to do! Bringing parks to poor neighborhoods! She came to meet “the people” and it turns out one of them is ME!

After shaking her hand, (I was gonna hug her because she seemed the sort of celebrity that it would be OK to do that with, but I didn’t want to look totally crazy), she was whisked away into the garden party and I went to throw my laundry in the wash.

I passed the party several times, never going inside, but I did hear Bette make her speech. She was great. She inspired me to build a park or something. Then, she announced that there were fresh S’mores and everyone should ‘get them while they’re hot’! I am on a diet so I didn’t eat them. I don’t really like chocolate anway, so I wasn’t bummed or anything. Bette Midler had just offered me a s’more! How could I be bummed?

I had to call my mom immediately after this meeting because, when I was little, I would make cast lists of my life. I would assign a celebrity to each person. I was always played by Sean Astin or River Phoenix. My mom, however, was always played by Bette Midler. I wanted to tell that to Bette, butte I bette she would thinkke that was really crazy. So I didn’t.

Morgan Freeman

The best compliment I ever received about my acting was from Morgan Freeman.

I was in a production of “The Boys Next Door” by Tom Griffin in L.A. several years ago. It’s probably one of my favorite roles I have ever had the opportunity to perform. The play is about four men who live in a group home. They are all developmentally disabled to various degrees. I was Norman Bulansky who worked in a doughnut shop and struggled with over-eating. There was a great storyline about him and his girlfriend, Sheila, who he meets at the community center dance.

It was very important to me to play the role with heart and not just broad, physical comedy which I have seen several productions be guilty of doing. I think it’s easy to play “retarded” people funny, but it’s quite another to play them real. I have worked with people with developmental disabilities in so many capacities, that this subject matter was very important to me.

On opening night, we were all very nervous. It had been a struggle with our director and the set designer throughout the entire process – probably the most dangerous set I’ve ever used. We went out and performed in front of a sold out audience. I felt so strongly about my performance. To our delight, the show was often sold out. The big date scene with Norman and his girlfriend was always a terrific reaction. I was extrememly happy, even though it required me to eat 7 or 8 whole doughnuts in the span of two hours for every performance. I have never been able to truly enjoy doughnuts since.

During the run, after a particularly awesome show, one of my co-stars said his father would like to meet me. It’s always hard for me to take a compliment, but with this show I was very thankful for any praise that came my way. My co-star walked me up to a very tall man. It was Morgan Freeman! Holy heck! Morgan Freeman reached out his hand to shake mine. It was firm, yet very, gently comforting. He looked through my soul with deep, thoughtful eyes and said, “Congratulations! What a very heartfelt and truthful performance. You truly touched me, thank you.”

I was stunned. I graciously said ‘Thank you’ and ‘It’s very nice to meet you’ and then made a nice comment about his wife’s dress, which was gorgeous. I didn’t even know my co-star was related to Morgan Freeman! What a bonus!

As another bonus, Kevin Spacey came to see the show too. He was friends with the same co-star of mine. However, Kevin didn’t comment on my perfromance. He was too high and seemingly distracted by some spicy latino model boy who was draped around his arm.

Poor Jesse McCartney

Poor Jesse McCartney. What happened to him and his “beautiful soul”? I bet Jesse hates Zac Efron. They used to be on ‘Summerland‘ together back when Jesse was ‘the hot one’. If they still did those claymation celebrity deathmatch shows on MTV or wherever, they would make a good pair….and Zac would totally win. Seriously, Jesse is tore up.

Now, I haven’t seen High School Musical a hundred times like all the tweeny boppers out there, but I have seen it once. He is way more talented than Jesse. He also has way more abs than Jesse. Before you get all judgey – Zac is 20 years old.

Somewhere in L.A., Jesse is watching ‘Hairspray’ over and over while making a voodoo doll. I just know it.

Draco Malfoy

Draco Malfoy needs ProActive. Just saying. Pic from London premiere.

I Love Seth Rogen

So I saw ‘Knocked up’ last night between work and rehearsal (since i don’t have enough time to go home in between and I always end up falling asleep at Borders or spedning an embarassingly large amount of time in Urban Outfitters). I am glad I did, because my new boyfriend was in it – Seth Rogen. Jake Gyllenhaal has been so busy with that bike/cancer guy recently, that my feelings are starting to wane. I always thought Seth was an adorable little piece of cake, but he really got me in this film. LOVE him. HOLD him. SQUEEZE him. PET him. NEVERLETHIMGO him.

RuPaul Has Melody

Last night, I took part in a reading for the upcoming sequel to the fabulous summer hit, Another Gay Movie. It was a first time debut of the script for the sequel and it’s delightful. Most of the original cast was there as well, and also some new gay celebs – the stalker from ‘Shortbus’, the amazing Lady Bunny, and most notoriously, RuPaul, who I have loved since 9th grade or whenever ‘Supermodel’ hit the airwaves. We all know what Ru looks like in drag, but he is a picture of calm masculinity too. He did the reading out of drag, but he still goes by RuPaul – a little tidbit I enjoyed knowing.

One of Ru’s parts in the reading was to sing the opening song, “Another Gay Sunshine Day”, which he was unfamiliar. While going over his script backstage, I noticed he was struggling with the tune. I had run this song into the ground last summer and was surprised that Ru had never heard it before, since the vocals on the song are by Nancy Sinatra. He turned to me and asked, “Do you know the melody to this song?”

I put down my slice of pepperoni pizza, “I don’t sing, but I know the song if you want me to sing it for you.” I can’t believe I am about to squawk out a few bars for Ru! I sing the main hook -

“No No, honey, that ain’t melody. I mean, I need to hear the melody.” Yes. Yes, of course. How silly of me, um…how do I correct this? How can I make this up to my Ru?

“I have it on my ipod!” I dashed over to my bag, cued the song and brushed off any potential residue on the earphones. “Here you go, It might be a little loud at first”, I warned as I noticed that Ru inspected the earphones before putting them in his perfect ears. I handed the ipod to Ru to hold, but his hands were busy poking the notes in the air as he sang along. So I just held the ipod for him. While he listened. To the whole song. No eye contact. Awkward.

Halfway through the song, I noticed a little black piece of foil on the wall. Since Ru was still busy, I pulled on the foil with my non-ipod holding hand. It ripped off an entire panel of foil that was covering the stair to the audience. I could see everyone! I am sure no one could see me, but I saw them! Accidentally exposed and caught holding my ipod for Ru – who had just about nailed the song! Seriously – OMG! He finished and thanked me graciously, a very well mannered gentleman.

The rest of the evening went very well. Free vodka, cute boys, big laughs, and the hopes of finding melody between now and the next time I see Ru!

Oh Happy Jay!

Wow. Remember the time I almost dated Jay McCarrol from Project Runway? A momentary glance on the subway, a gutsy email to his website, friendly email banter, the hopes of Thai food in the future…..all dashed. Oh well. He asked for my myspace page so he “can judge you more thoroughly”. I asked if he wanted to go get a sandwich. Maybe he will return to me through cyberspace soon. I have a sneaking suspicion that we would get along fahhhbulously. One of my OC hags said, “Can you guys please get married and have little gay baby versions of yourself so I can laugh and laugh and have a good time?”

I think we all want to laugh and laugh and have a good time, right?

Dirty Dozen

Basically, my version of Celebrity Hot Tub. I rank the 12 people, that under any circumstance, it is OK for me to have sex with – anywhere, anytime. Like, if anyone on this list came knocking at my door the night of my committment ceremony and was like ‘Let’s do it’…..I would be able to without guilt. Here they are in reverse order. I bet you just can’t guess who number one is gonna be!

Anna Nicole Died

Her lawyer hubby totally had a hand in this somehow. Mark my words. First, he got the son, heir to whatever Anna Nicole riches lay around. Then, knock off Anna herself. Someone needs to get that little baby away from that creepy guy. I am going to NetFlix The Anna Nicole Show and look for clues. Save Baby Danielle Lynn! If it wasn’t the creepy lawyer hubby, then I think it was Bobby Trendy.

Comedy aside – poor, poor Anna Nicole. Rest in pink and leopard print peace.

The only question now is….Who will play Anna Nicole in the movie version of her life? I hope its not Amanda Lepore

Gaymes With Austin Scarlet

Well, looks likes Santa came early this year. Last night, I was at a holiday party where I played board games with Project Runway’s Austin Scarlet. Adorable!

The Christmas tree, unfortunately, didn’t have any tinsel on it, but the room was sparkling anyway because Austin is such a pure, bright spotlight. He is simply a great person.

He had a delightful holiday ascot worn around his neck. He was dressed great, although I enjoyed his outfit last year better – a Christmas soldier motif. Last year, he and I were looking for the pickle in the tree. Apparently, there is an old Christmas game that the hosts hide a pickle in the tree somewhere and whoever finds it first gets a prize. I didn’t find it last year. I was sad.

Great snacky foods from Trader Joe’s always make for a fun shin dig. Also, the melon margaritas and pomegranate martinis were the snazziest. Austin’s team won the game of Outburst, but I found the pickle!

Happy fucking Holidaze!

Mel Gibson Is A D-Bag

The Signs have always been there. Mel Gibson is a douchebag. I have long hated Mel Gibson for his holier than thou politics and I didn’t even think he was that good in Braveheart.

Everyone knows that jews and gays run Hollywood. Why would you bite either hand that feeds your dirty red-state face? Mel Gibson’s Lethal Weapon is his mouth. Lethal for his career. Now he is back peddling like a weenie. Mel’s Chicken Run from Paparazzi will now be even more delicious because his La La Land FairyTale is coming to a screeching halt. All this business about trying to account for his hate through blaming it on alcohol is a pretty weak Conspiracy Theory.

Mel is such a Maverick at knowing What Women Want. He’s handsome, he’s suave, he’s Forever Young. The Payback will totally be a bitch when this backlash leaves him The Man Without A Face. I am happy that this self proclaimed “owner of Malibu” and “American Patriot has sold himself down The River. There is an entertainment Bounty for this Bird on a Wire. And there is no way Steven Spielberg will pay the Ransom.

Eff you, Mel. Eff you.