1.) I’m going to New Orleans the day after tomorrow!
2.) The Killers’s new CD is fucking awesome!
3.) Brandon Flowers, the lead singer, is super hot! And gay, right?!
4.) He’s not gay?!
5.) Wait. He’s a mormon and married?!
6.) He must be a closet case. He wore peacock feather shoulder pads on SNL!
7.) I’m still really bummed about Prop 8!
8.) I’m going to New Orleans the day after tomorrow!
I hope I get Mardi Gras beads and make out with Mormons too!
#10. Daniel Radcliffe – Specifically in ‘Equus’, all tormented and depressed.
#9. David Fair – Some model guy I keep seeing everywhere.
#8. Sean Faris - He was in ‘Never Back Down’, that movie about boys fighting each other without shirts.
#7. Cam Gigandet – Hot bad guy in that same movie and in ‘The OC’.
#6. Seth Rogen – I want him to be my teddy bear… and to make me breakfast in bed.
#5. Hunter Parrish – He’s on ‘Weeds’ and I would buy pot from him everyday if my dealer looked like him.
#4. Andrew Vanwyngarden – MGMT frontman, psychedelic hottness, let’s make out.
#3. Jake Gyllenhaal – He has slipped only slightly in my boy list.
#2. Ryan Phillippe – Edged out Jake because of ‘Stop-Loss’ this year. Yum.
#1. Heath Ledger – A posthumous Oscar is due, and so is a posthumous hot tub.
The good news is you can afford a new computer.
The bad news is – that’s it.
The good news is you have a great job.
The bad news is you have to share desk space with an energy sucking vampire who barfs and burps all day long.
The good news is you won over your stupid landlord in court.
The bad news is you have to move again.
The good news is that you are up for a role in a new sitcom.
The bad news is that they cast the role with some skinny, Indian kid.
The good news is that you will be able to love again.
The bad news is you will discover this by falling for a guy with a boyfriend.
The good news is you tested negative for HIV.
The bad news is your dick vein exploded.
The good news is there are cops on every block in your neighborhood that make you feel very safe and secure.
The bad news is that they are there due to a recent rash of machete wielding, teenage gangs who “chop” their victims as they ride by on bicycles, yelling and screaming, like prepubescent banshees, while the hipster they “chopped” writhes in pain, bleeding all over his new ipod.
The good news is you live in New York City.
The bad news is you can’t live anywhere else.
Well, I am officially a resident of Williamsburg. Yay? I’ve been busy peeling off the layer of straight-boy dirt that has accumulated in this apartment – lint on the carpet, toilet issues, shower curtain fiasco, beard shavings, dingy walls… I feel like any place you move to in NYC will be dirty, so I have learned to lower my standards. Anyway, I don’t have internet or cable (GASP!) until I can set up an appointment with the cable company and I can’t do that until my cool-guy roommate sets a cancellation date on his cable. Why is he canceling his cable? Oh, because he just put in his notice and is moving out at the end of the month – so who knows who I will be living with next?!?!?! The adventure continues…
6 Things I Loved About This Week
1. Eating a popsicle while I watched the movers I hired carry my stuff up four flights of stairs.
2. Sticking a dildo inside a broken light fixture for D-Bag Zalman to find – this was after I smashed every single light bulb in the apartment.
3. Buffalo Cantina delivers!!!
4. Meeting a new neighbor at Bed, Bath & Beyond. Her name is Soo-yi and she owns a vintage store a block away from me. We shared a cab back to Williamsburg.
5. Jumping Jack Flash & Outrageous Fortune arrived at my desk! These two movies helped define my sense of humor as a small, gay, fabulous child.
6. Gay Pride was fun! I’ll post pictures when I get my life organized.
6 Things I Hated About This Week
1. Moving.
2. Cleaning.
3. Crying.
4. Sweatting.
5. Falling.
6. Drinking a half bottle of Jack Daniels by myself while listening to the new Coldplay CD. I was trying to motivate myself to unpack, but instead, I just went to sleep. No unpacking. No JO. No nothing.
Why haven’t I updated this blog this month yet? I’ve been busy.
1. A friend in town had a hotel party at The W Hotel and we ordered cheeseburgers from room service.
2. I saw Rilo Kiley in concert. Simply amazing.
3. Vomiting.
4. I tried to go to the Bravo Awards, but left because it was hot, uncomfortable, and there was too many stupid people in the audience to put up with for four hours of taping. Instead, I went and ate pad thai that was too spicy and went to bed early.
5. Recorded voice over tracks for ‘Another Gay Sequel‘. Most notably, I was Captain Nodick and Bear In Orgy.
6. Called out sick.
7. Got surprisingly scared when I heard Obama won. Will he really be able to win McCain? I hope so.
8. Started stressing out about finding a new place to live in 24 days.
So, yeah… thanks for checking in, I know it wasn’t much, but that’s all I gots right now.
1. Never let an NYU freshman get drunk and help you paint your room because they might spill an entire gallon of brown paint on your newly tiled floor.
2. My friends and I are going to start an all gay theatre company called The Sausage Factory Theatre. Get ready, world!
3. June 1st is my self-imposed deadline for starting up at the gym. Again. For real this time. Again.
4. I don’t like Madonna’s new CD. Sorry.
5. No matter what happens in court on the 20th with our d-bag landlord, I don’t care. I just want it to be over so we can find a new place to live.
6. Getting drunk and letting a boy sleep over at your house is fun, unless that boy is actually sleeping the whole time.
7. I truly don’t care if it’s Obama or Hillary.
8. I will never eat McDonald’s again.
9. I will have fun at the Redneck Wedding Hoedown no matter what.
10. I am good enough, I am smart enough, and doggonit, people like me!
My roommate, Brian, is not-so-eagerly anticipating the arrival of his parents this week. They were here last July and, word on the street is, they ran out of things to do. Brian thinks they will all end up sitting in their hotel room staring at each other. They are from Minnesota, so I’m sure that’s perfectly acceptable.
I have put together a list of alternative activities that I would be happy to take my parents to if they were cute and adorable and had accents and were from Minnesota and not divorced. This is based on a 3 day itinerary.
DAY ONE
- Breakfast at a NYC diner
- The Metropolitan Museum of Art
- A stroll through Central Park
- A stroll down 5th Avenue for window shopping
- A stroll over to Rockefeller Center, Times Square
- Lunch at my favorite Thai restaurant on 9th Avenue
- After-lunch cocktails at my favorite gay bars on 9th Avenue
- Browse sex shops on 8th Ave. and explain what a “buddy booth” is
- Laugh at homeless people in and around Madison Square Garden
- Dinner at Dallas BBQ, TEXAS SIZED PINA COLADAS!!!
- After-dinner drinks at Rawhide with go-go boys
- Sing-along at Marie’s Crisis
DAY TWO
- Sleep in, make breakfast at my house
- Shopping on Canal Street
- Shopping in SoHo
- Lunch in Little Italy
- A stroll through Chinatown
- Family massage, happy endings optional
- Dumpling snack
- A stroll through Washington Square
- Buy pot from a NYU freshman
- Smoke up
- Snack at Gray’s Papaya
- Zone out at Barnes and Noble
- Back to hotel for nap
- Dinner at Olive Garden, NEVERENDING PASTA $8.99!!!
- Score some ecstacy at a gay dance club, explain what ‘fierce’ means
DAY THREE
- Brunch somewhere gay that has sangria
- Museum of Sex
- Wall Street
- S&M Dungeon on Wall Street
- Sex party in east village, explain difference between ‘twink’ and ‘bear’
- Statue of Liberty
- Dinner at Applebees, RIBLETS!!!
- Foam Party on Christopher Street with ghetto queers
I’m not going to blog about how I came home from work last night and the hole in my ceiling was twice as big and my mattress and new comforter were completely drenched…again. I’m not going to write about how, after a deep breath, I punched the wall and started crying… and I am certainly not going to write about how I kicked the radiator and hurt my foot.
To calm down, I made a list. Lists are very therapeutic and recommend making one every day. I will share that list with you instead.
TORI AMOS DREAM CONCERT SET LIST*
Cornflake Girl
Tear In You Hand
Putting the Damage On
Iieee
Ireland
Silent All These Years
Winter
Hey Jupiter
In the Springtime of His Voodoo
Big Wheel
Raspberry Swirl
Pretty Good Year
I Don’t Like Mondays
Amber Waves
Take to the Sky
Almost Rosey
Programmable Soda
Professional Widow
Mrs. Jesus
She’s Your Cocaine
Sweet Dreams
Taxi Ride
‘97 Bonnie and Clyde
Gimme More (cover of Britney Spears but instead of saying, “It’s Britney, bitch” at the beginning, she says, “It’s Tori, bitch”)
Little Amsterdam
God
ENCORE
Happy Phantom
The Waitress
Precious Things
OK. I feel 8 percent better now. Thanks OCD listmaking!
* Based on two hour time limit
I almost bought a puppy this weekend. Instead, I made a list of my favorite twenty songs from this past year. Some songs didn’t have videos on youtube – can you believe it? You may be surprised that Britney Spears and Maroon 5 didn’t make the list. Their albums were pop genius, but not a single song emerged as a great single. These are singles that my ears couldn’t get enough of all year. Enjoy!
#21. “I Like Music (W.O.S.B.)” by Junior Senior
Junior Senior electrified my summer. I think this CD was released in the UK like 9 years ago, but it came to the US in August. I love this homemade video someone did, I think Junior Senior should use it as their real video for the song.
#20. “So Far” by Miguel Migs
Classic San Francisco house music. If I still did ecstacy I would totally be soulmates with this song. I also would have introduced myself to it as “Birthday Boy” and gave it a PLUR bracelet. There is no video for this song because everyone left early to go buy baby pacifiers.
#19. “The Underdog” by Spoon
I made a mix to motivate myself to go to the gym. This was the second track on the list after that ‘Proud’ song from ‘The Biggest Loser’. It was a modern day Rocky theme song for me. I am the underdog! Holler!
#18. “Half Boyfriend” by Jay Brannan
He is too adorable. It make my eyes hurt when I watch him sing. Jay was in that pointless movie, Shortbus, but his singing career shines in my heart. I want to make him sing to me in my room and never leave until I say so, but that would be kidnapping.
#17. “The Bomb” by New Young Pony Club
The Straights, Jon and Sophia, introduced me to this hipstery crowd pleaser. I hate the name of the band, but I love the shit they drop. The whole album is great, but this song really makes me want to grow a scruffy beard and drink Pabst Blue Ribbon.
#16. “Almost Rosey” by Tori Amos
Tori has officially gone cuckoo with her latest CD. This was one of the few songs that jumped through the chaotic mess on American Girl Posse which was released last May. I will always love Tori… just in that “don’t touch me because I don’t want your crazy to rub off on me” sort of way.
#15. “Must Be The Moon” by !!!
This song is dirty. It earned a permanent spot on my Sex Mix. Hot shit.
#14. “Heimdalsgate Like A Promethean Curse” by Of Montreal
This video is INSANE! I am still not entirely convinced whether or not I think it’s a masterpiece or a pile of cat crap. I found this song while I was having a mild mental breakdown in January. I loved it when the lyrics just repeated “Chemica-uh-als”. However, crazy people don’t know they are going crazy, so I broke through that phase.
#13. “Breakin’ Up” by Rilo Kiley
While Rilo Kiley’s new CD wasn’t as thrilling as I had hoped, this song lit up my room the second it came on. I listened to it a million times while I did The Master Cleanse in October. It became my theme song for breaking up with The Cleanse on day 5. Also, I love cowbells.
#12. “I Feel It All” by Feist
The first time I heard this song was when I was getting my first ever full body massage. Oh man, what a great tune. I had been resistant to the Feist-hype, but after really hearing her in a completely relaxed state, I jumped on board. I love that there is not a video for this song, but she DID sing it on a bus on the Jimmy Kimmel Show. Hilarious.
#11. “So Rich, So Pretty” by Mickey Avalon
Technically, this song is from December of last year, but fuck it, I didn’t find it until June. Hot, dirty, scenester goodness. This song was also on my Sex Mix for a spell, until I was told Mickey Avalon is “sooo L.A.” I hate L.A. and didn’t want my dick to have anything to do with it.
#10. “Hey Ya” by Obadiah Parker
Obadiah has another brilliant song called “So Hard To Find”, but there wasn’t any doubt that this cover of ‘Hey Ya’ truly won a spot on my list. When he gets to that ’shake it like a Polaroid picture’ part, I get so excited. One of the best cover songs ever.
#9. “Closer To You” by Young Love
I have no idea what that video is all about, but it made me laugh. This song however, screams awesometown. “AWESOMETOWN!” With its vague 80’s synth and darling vocals, I love everything about this song. It makes me feel something. I like songs that make you feel. I wish Young Love had real videos.
#8. “Tears Dry On Their Own” by Amy Winehouse
Also, technically released in December of 2006, but honestly, 2007 was all about Amy Winehouse. This song charged it’s way onto my iPod Top 25 Songs very quickly. I thought she had a lyric about masturbating in a half-way drunken stupor, but the lyric was really this – “I shouldn’t play myself again, I should just be my own best friend, Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men”. I liked it better before.
#7. “Energy” by The Apples In Stereo
Elijah Wood directed this video and helped produce their album. Great, brightly colored music. Every indie fag loves this shit and I am not immune. Anytime I feel sad, I put this song on and happiness melts right into my brain.
#6. “D.A.N.C.E.” by Justice
I wanna fuck this video.
#5. “Glory Days” by Just Jack
I had a hard time deciding what song on his CD, Overtones, to pick. Great album from a street performing hip-hoppy ex-raver from the UK. He makes me wanna dance, sing, fuck, write, hum, walk, run, laugh….
#4. “Dark Road” by Annie Lennox
She burns a fire in me. Her intensity of emotion strikes a chord in my soul. I want to write, to paint, to sculpt, to travel to lands far away and learn about myself from other cultures. Truly inspirational. Her music is unique and touching.
#3. “Kids” by MGMT
Who is MGMT? I have no idea, but I am in love with them. Amazing CD, but I listened to this song 12 times in one day. That is so silly. What’s sillier is that there isn’t a video and the one I did find has terrible sound quality. Do yourself a favor and download everything these guys have to offer on iTunes. Brilliant electro-pop-something-or-other.
#2. “Revival” by Soulsavers
Something about this song mystifies me. It pulls at my heart. It is the soundtrack for pieces of me unsettled in my bones. The night I spoke with Ram Dass, I listened to this song about 25 times. No joke. There is something hopeful, yet dark about this song. The video is amazing.
#1. “Happy Ending” by Mika
What faggot doesn’t LOVE Mika? I mean, seriously. So many great songs, but this one, with it’s gospel choir and simple melody wins the race this year. It has provided musical accompaniment throughout 2007 – during The Master Cleanse revelation, my fake “break up” with a friend, my nearly miserable trip to California this summer and nearly every train ride home late at night. Thanks Mika!
1. A cool wallet
2. More socks (black AND white)
3. New shower system
4. This
5. That
6. A house in The French Quarter
7. A critically acclaimed supporting role on TV show with mass appeal
8. To look like Brad Pitt in ‘Fight Club’
9. Starbucks gift certificates
10. iTunes gift certificates
11. Shrooms
I had a very frustrating day. To be stereotypical about it, it WAS a Monday. Here is a chronological list of things that happened. Making a list helps me shit them out and make it so they won’t ever effect me again…until the next time they happen.
1. Tripped on carpet walking into the office. Fell on my knees.
2. Broke favorite work pen.
3. Noticed I bought expired yogurt…after the first bite.
4. Old Lady Stupidface cussed for about ten minutes to nobody.
5. Had an emotional relapse regarding The Cleanse.
6. Listened to my new favorite song and ended emotional relapse.
7. Went grocery shopping and tripped on a black kid.
8. Black kid’s mom yelled at me.
9. Melted Mentos ruined my favorite work shirt in the dryer. They were not my mentos.
10. Cried – actually sobbed – for about 15 minutes in my room.
I am a Lifetime Original Movie. I am a beautiful butterfly. I just grew a vagina.
It’s just one of those days.
1.) For some reason, I decided to drink four cups of coffee in the span of twenty minutes yesterday. I do not like coffee. I used to work for Starbucks and the thought of coffee killed me. I love the smell but hate the taste, just like gasoline, but the coffee was free and I got talked into trying it. I swear to God, for about 2 hours I thought I was on crystal meth. Then, I crashed and died of severe headache. Verdict? No more coffee. Just crystal meth.
2.) “Dumbledore is gay.” I love how nonchalantly J.K. Rowling dropped that bomb. Sure, it makes sense to me. Better yet though is how she didn’t mention it in the Harry Potter books. His sexuality wasn’t a big part of the story. His sexuality was just part of him. No big deal! It shouldn’t change how much you loved the books or the character! Point taken, J.K.! Gotta love those British folk, way to dish it out, Rowling! This little news tidbit was gonna have it’s own blog, but then I decided… who cares?
3.) I am officially not going to therapy anymore. I am healed (mostly).
4.) To date, I have lost 17 pounds towards my weight loss challenge of 50 pounds in three months by New Years Day! Yay me! I have been doing very well in the food department, the gym has suffered a little bit though due to my new sketch class I started. Next week, a few friends and I are going to start The Master Cleanse in hopes of purifying our bodies, jump starting better eating habits, and finding out who will shit their pants first.
5.) I am taking a vow of celibacy. After calling it quits with Towel Boy and a cleansing hookup from manhunt, I have decided that I am “taking back my virginity” until I meet someone special. Don’t laugh! I’m serious! Kissing and blowjobs are still in effect though… I’m not crazy.
6.) On a whim, I recorded some Oprah this week. I did not realize how far apart her eyes are from each other! What the fuck is that all about?
1. I wore a Yankees T-Shirt yesterday. Apparently there was a “big game” that night. Three people stopped me on the subway to ask me who won “the game”, even though I had headphones on and was listening to Madonna. Each time, I dramatically took the headphones out of my ears and replied “I don’t know and I don’t care.” I am shattering people’s views of Yankee fans everywhere I go. I just wear the shirt because it’s campy.
2. An over-sized women had an over-sized handbag with an teeny tiny puppy zipped up inside, seemingly trapped. She stood in front of me ordering a banana and a Diet Coke. Someone has issues.
3. I finally watched ‘Gossip Girl‘. It was terrible. Anyone trying to compare it to ‘The OC‘ should be arrested. The cast has all gone to the Mischa Barton School Of Acting and Eye Fluttering, but other than that, this show is a tepid, prime-time soap opera with lots of not-really-hot hot people.
4. Some bike messenger guy yelled at me when I was running across the street to catch a bus. I had the right of way. He almost ran me over and screamed, “Way to go, tubby!” First of all, who uses the word ‘tubby’ anymore? Second of all, I cried on the bus.
5. Remember when I was 332.8lbs last week? Well, this week I am 323.6lbs. That is a loss of 9.2lbs. Way to go me. Awards all around. Yay, yay, yay. Don’t be too jealous when I look like Brad Pitt in ‘Fight Club‘.
6. We’re getting new art in the office today. New art is always a big ta-doo. The old bitchy lady who slurps when she eats told us today that she didn’t want any pictures of naked men on the wall in front of her. She bellowed, “If I wanted a naked man, I would go and get myself a naked man! Don’t put that penis in my face!” There were so many replies that I wanted to say, they all overloaded my brain and I can’t remember any of them.
While I am busy deciding whether or not The Secret is a true tool of faith or if it is total bullshit, I thought it would be a good idea to read it again. It’s basically saying that everything you think or put out into the universe comes back at you. For instance, thinking “I have to lose weight” brings about a circular repetition of possibly losing weight only to gain it back and have to lose it again etc.. Instead, it suggests to think of your goal weight and how you look at that weight and to visualize that number. It’s concrete. Its definite.
“All that we are is a result of what we have thought” – Buddha
So I made a list of things I want. I huge list. I decided I am going to send out those thoughts and that energy every morning to start the day and every evening to end the day. I feel a little crazy doing this, but I am going to give it a try. Here is an abbreviated list.
I want happiness.
I want peace.
I want to be in a successful entertainment related career.
I want to be the girl with the most cake.
I want to be the boy with the most toys.
I want a kitten.
I want another kitten to be friends with that kitten while I’m not at home.
I want unlimited fresh cantaloupe and pears.
I want a trophy for something.
I want to be a little bit taller.
I want to be a baller.
I want to have a girl who looks good so that I could call her.
Anyway, my real list is at home on my nightstand. I can’t tell you all of them. They are shhhecrets!
No. This is not the prequel to “300“. Today is my blog’s 200th birthday! I am celebrating my 200th post by choosing my personal favorite highlights from all 200 entries. They are in chronological order. “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Bloggy, happy birthday to you!” Enjoy!
1. “I Love Right Now” was right after my car accident just over two years ago. My life is still changing because of that day. In fact, often times, I feel like I am in the passengers seat just spinning indefinitely.
2. “Baby Broseph Part One & Part Two” is a little series I stared about my younger brother. I blog about him on his birthday. He has an adorable daughter now named Madyson. He is also a pretty good DJ.
3. “Brown Sugar” is a seven part series of urban erotica written by a white gay guy – me! The adventures of an up and coming hip-hop sensation will have you panty-splashing in no time. However, I once told my therapist about this series and, boy oh boy, did he want to dissect the shit out of that. I thought it was just funny.
4. “My Name Is…“, “Put The Sausages Down“, and “My Giant Pencil” are all part of my rise to the top of the receptionist food chain at (Name of School I Work At). I felt this was a three way tie. You know how there’s always someone to hate in your office? Mine is a monster. Not kidding. She eats children.
5. “Hell’s Kitchen Is Closed” was a particularly vulnerable entry ,I think. Sometimes readers tell me that I should be more vulnerable like in “The Big Bang“. Anyway, these both were written at a very emotional time last year. Moving from my first NYC apartment into a small kitchen on Christopher Street was a huge transition.
6. “I Met Jake Gyllenhaal! OMG!” is a moment I will cherish forever.
7. “Joey Is A Baby Kangaroo” is currently a three part series I am still developing. It’s all fiction and follows the seedy exploits of an anti-hero named Joey. I will be doing more of these in the future. Maybe I’ll write a book! Here is part two and part three.
8. “Scissor Sisters Interview” is not brilliant writing, but it sure was a great moment on my blog. Their music has played an emotionally pivotal role for me and, at the same time, they are the best music to have a dance party. Also, Del Marquis smells really, really good. I know because I basically had to sit on top of him to get my girth in the shot.
9. “Dick Clamp Part One” & “Part Two” describes my unfortunate account of breaking my penis. Yes. Broken. As in, surgery. Not for the faint of heart.
10. “Mormon Fetish” You know how people have fun, little fantasies? Mine involves mormons. I am krazy.
11. “RuPaul Has Melody” I accidentally had to sing in front of the great RuPaul. Yikes!
12. “…And Scene” is the last chapter in the camp saga. I had been kicked out of the camp I do for adults with disabilities for, seriously, no reason and I fought the people whose decision it was to do so. I ended up victorious without having to get krazy. I took appropriate steps and was very communicative. Anyway… the best part about this entry isn’t even my writing… check out the religious, yet hateful toned comments from the very few people who loathe me at camp.
13. “Granny = Comic Genius” Well, she is. I have stopped hating her for all her racist, prejudiced, and homophobic comments and instead laugh at her. I think she is a sad person who will never change. Except, I respect her a little more now that I know she is a big Clay Aiken fan.
14. “Daft Punk. The End.” Daft Punk. The End.
15. I’ve very recently been open and aware of alot more things in this world than just Lindsay Lohan and daddy issues. “Dora the Explora of Love” is a great example of looking for the bright parts of life. Laughing at the krazy parts of yourself and the world around you, as in “Ta Ta For Now Therapy“, is all you have to do when things get rough. It’s alot harder to do that than it is to say, but I think I am on the right track.
Oh yeah, and Happy Birthday to my roommate, Brian Kennedy. He is also 200 years old.
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