Archive for the ‘Movies’ Category

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Bruno Schmuno

July 14, 2009

bruno

Comedy is never black and white. It’s the gray area that generates laughter. Different people laugh at different things. That’s the magic of the art of comedy. Sacha Baron Cohen’s “Bruno” was neither magic, art, or comedy. It was a tragic, fart comedy. Before scribbling out my reasons why I disliked “Bruno”, let me devote a small paragraph to the elements I thought were good about the movie.

Cohen is a really good, committed actor.

“Bruno” is a contemporary minstrel show. Silly, stereotypically gay vingnettes are strung together like a kindergartener’s macaroni project – minus the thought or care for it’s audience. The concept is to interact with unsuspecting interviewees who are under the assumption that Bruno is a real person. The joke of the scenes are in the reaction. The character of Bruno overshadows any possible irony. When the joke of the scene easily becomes “hey, look at this stupid gay guy”, then Cohen’s true intentions for his comedy become unclear and irresponsible in this political climate.

A good example of how this concept works is in a scene with Congressman Ron Paul. Armed with hidden cameras, scented candles, and purple bikini briefs, Bruno tries to seduce him in a hotel room while they are waiting for the crew to set up the actual interview. Ron Paul’s silent reaction and eventual blow up is quite amazing. Many other bits are just that – bits. Bits of fractured reality caving in to a pit of cringeworthy fabrication. At one point, Bruno hires Mexican workers to be furniture for his victims. Paula Abdul accepts the invitation and sits on a wincing old man, but then quits the interview when a nude gentleman displaying cuts of sushi is wheeled out on a table for Paula’s catering needs. Paula is not on THAT many drugs to have thought this was real.

Whether it’s a busty dominatrix crudely edited into a scene or a horrible sidekick subplot, mixing the artificial elements with the real (and sadly, fewer) only works against the claim of social satire by further blurring the line of what we’re supposed to be laughing at. “Cohen’s well-meaning attempt at satire is problematic in many places and outright offensive in others,” Rashad Robinson, senior director of media programs for GLAAD told the New York Times. “Some gay advocates are worried that Cohen could reinforce negative stereotypes about homosexuals”.

If the height of summer comedy involves talking dicks and bratwurst jokes, then Bruno will thrill you. You might even think it’s “brilliant” as a few of my friends have described it. But, when a straight comedian puts on gayface in the name of social satire, I desire more than pratfalls and umlauts. That is not to say a gay comedian would get away with it, but they would have trouble getting their picture greenlit. It’s much more acceptable to watch straight guys act like gay guys rather than gay guys act like gay guys.

Go see ‘Up’ again. It’s beautiful and actually brilliant.

up

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New Hobby: Brazilian Cinema

May 8, 2009

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Clint Eastwood Sucks

December 8, 2008

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Joan Allen, Violence, and Me

August 25, 2008

The best way to release pent up frustration, besides hot sex, is to go on a road rage. Not a real one. That would make you a crazy person.

I recently have been playing a shit load of Grand Theft Auto 4: Liberty City. I am not a video game person, but I have become obsessed with playing this totally horrible game. In the game, you get to be Nico, a mob hit-man. He runs around Liberty City, which is designed to look a lot like the 5 burroughs of NYC, and shoots, maims, and murders anyone he wants to for any reason at all.

I was shocked into laughter when I first saw the amazing detail of what shooting a hooker at point blank looked like. When I crashed my car and flew through the windshield, I giggled. Soon, I was hungry for the naughty violence I was able to enact without consequence. It felt fucking amazing.

That night, after leaving my friend’s house, I had some seriously effed up dreams. The next morning, I thought that if some unstable 12 year old got their hands on this video game, they could be trained to become a Murder Monster. Hell, I’m a decently stable 31 year old and I had visions of beating people in the street and hunting down cops with a rocket launcher. I had to give myself a break from all this guts and gore.

So, I went to the movies and saw Death Race.

Starring Joan Allen and some grizzly meathead with tasty abs, the movie was pure violencertainment and surprisingly fulfilling. Joan Allen is a white hot bitch who buys and sells prisoners into an unethical race to the death (hence, “Death Race”). Her cold and comically unnerving exterior represents an America not too far into the future. Big explosions, lots of blood, and a hopeless look into our society expertly shot in gritty cinematography.

Something is wrong with me for enjoying this sort of entertainment. I’m salivating. Maybe it’s the untapped anger and frustration that is inside everyone that is being released. Maybe it’s the thrill of living another life. Or maybe, it’s wondering what Joan Allen’s hard-on looks like.

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June, so far…

June 6, 2008

Why haven’t I updated this blog this month yet? I’ve been busy.

1. A friend in town had a hotel party at The W Hotel and we ordered cheeseburgers from room service.

2. I saw Rilo Kiley in concert. Simply amazing.

3. Vomiting.

4. I tried to go to the Bravo Awards, but left because it was hot, uncomfortable, and there was too many stupid people in the audience to put up with for four hours of taping. Instead, I went and ate pad thai that was too spicy and went to bed early.

5. Recorded voice over tracks for ‘Another Gay Sequel‘. Most notably, I was Captain Nodick and Bear In Orgy.

6. Called out sick.

7. Got surprisingly scared when I heard Obama won. Will he really be able to win McCain? I hope so.

8. Started stressing out about finding a new place to live in 24 days.

So, yeah… thanks for checking in, I know it wasn’t much, but that’s all I gots right now.

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Movie Quote Game!

March 8, 2008


Isaac tagged Brian and Brian tagged me and Beta. I am supposed to make a list of 15 quotes from my favorite movies. So, I did that. I am also supposed to tag some people. So, I tag Brett, Jackie,Nick, Glennis, Chris and Erin. Leave your answers in the comments section and I will go back and give prizes and awards and such. Hop to it.

1. I have to find my hairbrush.

2. You don’t know jack-shit! Butt-wipe! Needle-dick! Cock-bite! Jack-off! Limp-wrist! Corn-hole! Banana-breath! Shit-bird! Bird-turd! Turd-face! Kiss-ass! Brown-nose! Macho wimp! Limp dick! Fart-face! Tire merchant! What’s the matter? Gonna cry? Come on, Crybaby Davie! Cry! Cry! Cry! Shit-face! Rat-turd! Ass-licking son of a bitch!

3. You know friend, this is a god damn bitch of an unsatisfactory situation.

4. The only thing we serve is tongue. Do you boys like tongue?

5. Janie, today I quit my job. And then I told my boss to go fuck himself, and then I blackmailed him for almost sixty thousand dollars. Pass the asparagus.

6. You look like a doily.

7. That boy is our legal property, same as the family cow.

8. Let’s have fun now! Let’s just go and go and go, because it’s over. There’s just too many things, too many things, too many things. Too many things.

9. Unbewievable. Stwaight to the ewephant.

10. My right hand is so tight I can barely thread a needle!

11. “Eskimo.”

12. Wait, are you singing mixolydian scales or something?

13. Oh, my God. It’s Mega Maid. She’s gone from suck to blow.

14. I don’t need you to tell me how fucking good my coffee is, okay? I’m the one who buys it. I know how good it is. When Bonnie goes shopping she buys SHIT. I buy the gourmet expensive stuff because when I drink it I want to taste it. But you know what’s on my mind right now? It AIN’T the coffee in my kitchen, it’s the dead nigger in my garage.

15. What are you looking at? Wipe that face off your head, bitch.

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3 to 31: Oscars

February 26, 2008

I blame the Superbowl for the downfall of the Oscars. Or maybe Ms. Jackson, but I like her, so I blame sports and all the red state a-holes who bitched and moaned when they saw Janet’s black titty during the half-time show. Since then, there has been less and less spontanaety on TV. Ultimately, this has made the Academy Awards a meticulous, over-produced bore.

I dream of Oscar ceremonies of the frisky 70’s. I barely remember the coked up productions of the 80’s. I want to see stuff like Jack Palance doing one armed push-ups! Nope. It’s all gone. A room full of queers and jews and the best they can muster up is Jon Stewart playing wii? However, something amazing DID happen on the red carpet. Someone thought it would be a good idea to invite Gary Busey! This was the highlight of the Oscars….before they even started!

A few highlights from the actual show…

- Diablo Cody’s speech for Best Original Screenplay
- That gospel choir song
- That French actresses reaction when she won
- Tilda Swinton (I have loved her since ‘The Beach’)
- When Jon Stewart brought back the girl half of the duo who won for Best Song because she got cut off before she could say anything. I loved that alot. That girl’s moment was snuffed out because of “time”. Fucking give her 30 seconds to cherish her big moment. Jesus. Thanks Jon Stewart!

Also, if you have not voted for the Jeff Awards, now is your last chance before polls close!
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15 to 31: Netflix

February 13, 2008

I renewed my Netflix account last week. The first movie that I had sent to me was ‘Stomp the Yard’. Why? What has my life come to? Kill me now.

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22 to 31: Jeff Awards

February 6, 2008

Please leave a comment and vote for your favorites!

And the nominees for the 2008 Jeff Awards are….


BEST MOVIE
The Host
Knocked Up
Margot at the Wedding
Sicko
Superbad

SECOND BEST MOVIE

Harry Potter & Order of the Phoenix
Hot Fuzz
Juno
Ratatouille
Zodiac

BEST ACTOR
Christian Bale – Rescue Dawn
Michael Cera – Superbad
Ryan Gosling – Lars and the Real Girl
Seth Rogen – Knocked Up
Steve Zahn – Rescue Dawn

BEST ACTRESS
Amy Adams – Enchanted
Julie Christie – Away From Her
Angelina Jolie – A Mighty Heart
Nicole Kidman – Margot at the Wedding
Ellen Page – Juno

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Javier Bardem – No Country for Old Men
Robert Downey Jr. – Zodiac
Ben Foster – Alpha Dog/30 Days of Night
Heath Ledger – I’m Not There
Justin Timberlake – Alpha Dog

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Helena Bohnam-Carter – Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Cate Blanchett – I’m Not There
Jennifer Gardner – Juno
Jennifer Jason Leigh – Margot at the Wedding
Amy Ryan – Gone Baby Gone

BEST DIRECTOR
Noah Baumbach – Margot at the Wedding
Joel and Ethan Coen – No Country for Old Men
David Fincher – Zodiac
Bong Joon-ho – The Host
Sarah Polley – Away From Her

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Judd Apatow – Knocked Up
Noah Baumbach – Margot at the Wedding
Diablo Colby – Juno
Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg – Superbad
Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg – Hot Fuzz

PRETTIEST LOOKING MOVIE

Across the Universe
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
No Country for Old Men
Sweeny Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
Zodiac

BEST SOUNDTRACK OR SCORE
Atonement
I’m Not There
Juno
Superbad
There Will Be Blood

HOTTEST HOTTIE
Jake Gyllenhaal – Zodiac
Zac Efron – Hairspray
Chris Evans – Fantastic Four 2
Daniel Radcliffe – Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Justin Timberlake – Alpha Dog

SECOND HOTTEST HOTTIE

Joseph Gordon-Levitt – The Lookout
Emile Hirsch – Into the Wild
Shia LaBouf – The Transformers Movie
Justin Long – Live Free or Die Hard
Seth Rogen – Knocked Up

BEST BAD GUY
Javier Bardem – No Country for Old Men
Blackout – The Transformers Movie
Ben Foster – 30 Days of Night
The Host – The Host
Danny Huston – 30 Days of Night

GAYEST TITLE
Black Snake Moan
Daddy Day Camp
I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry
Mr. Woodcock
Race You to the Bottom

WORST MOVIE I SAW
Evan Almighty
National Treasure 2: The Book of Secrets

WORST MOVIE I DIDN’T HAVE TO SEE
Because I Said So
Daddy Day Camp
Good Luck Chuck
I Know Who Killed Me
Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium

STOP NOMINATING ME
Cate Blanchett
Daniel Day-Lewis
Philip Seymour Hoffman
Movies that look like ‘Atonement
Songs from ‘Enchanted

Leave a comment and vote! Vote or Die!

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31 to 31: Blood

January 28, 2008


There will be 31 days between now and my 31st birthday. There will be a scavenger hunt and party. ‘There Will Be Blood’ was an overrated piece of sparkling poop.

Daniel Day Lewis was amazing in the role of some mean oil guy who no one cared about. He was really, really awesome. Paul Dano, who was the teenager guy who refused to talk in ‘Little Miss Sunshine‘, was outstanding and held his own on screen with The Method Acting Tornado. Paul Thomas Anderson directs with evident greatness, the film’s score was deeply engaging, gorgeous cinematography really brought to life the hazards of drilling for oil in the great outdoors, detailed costuming, gritty art direction, a cornucopia of movie triumphs…. SO WHY DIDN’T I FUCKING CARE ABOUT IT AT ALL!

Seriously, this movie sucked the life out of me. Booooring. I can’t put my movie expert finger on it, but this Best Picture nominated film was poopy. Who did I care about? What was I invested in? Why was I watching? Even the actor who played DDL’s deaf son looked bored! This movie is generally just a character essay on film. Daniel Day Lewis can certainly act. He’s awesometown, I get it. Whatever, snoozefest. Yawwwn.

I wish I could have just seen the baptism scene and the last scene in the bowling alley. I would have taken all the time I saved and went and saw ‘Juno‘ again.

I am going to try to do daily blogs between now and my b-day. TRY.

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7 Movie Reviews!!!

January 15, 2008


National Treasure 2: The Book of Secrets

This unfortunate viewing happened only because I saw a double feature with my friend, Cody Melton. I use his full name, because I want him to feel the weight of his actions, of which I am exposing. Cody Melton insisted that we see this piece of cat shit film. I hesitate to use the word ‘film’; I think I will call it a ‘flim’. Fuck Nicholas Cage. Fuck Jon Voight. Please, someone, rescue poor Helen Mirren from this awful flim! I had not seen the first one, and was worried I wouldn’t be up to speed on what was happening in the sequel. No reason to fear that, this movie spoke to the audience like we were 8 years old. The “clues” that these “characters” had to “solve” and “follow” didn’t even make any sense. So forced, so lame, so mad at Cody Melton. I want 91 minutes of my life back.

Sweeney Todd

This was the trade for sitting through goddamn ‘National Treasure’. First off, I liked Tim Burton’s ‘Todd’. That said, if I was a musical purist, I would be pissed. Helena Bonham-Carter is lovely and I adore her, but she just wasn’t right for the role of Mrs. Lovett. Johnny Depp is a fantastic actor, but he just doesn’t have the singing chops for the part of Sweeney Todd. The role of Toby was cast too young, the brilliantly complex layers of score and melody didn’t shine as they should, and several musical numbers were either cut short or left out entirely (my guess is because they were too hard for the cast to sing). I was happy to see Claire Danes playing the role of Anthony Hope. Don’t try to tell me they don’t look exactly the same.

I’m Not There

Booooorrrrrrring. I don’t care how awesome Cate Blanchett is as one part of six pieces of Bob Dylan. I don’t care how artistically stylized Todd Haynes’s direction is in showing us six pieces of Bob Dylan. I don’t care that Heath Ledger and Christian Bale, as hot and awesome of actors as they are, make worthy contributions to two of six pieces of Bob Dylan. I need to care about Bob Dylan in the first place. I also need to have functional knowledge of Bob Dylan throughout his career to decipher what the fuck is going on in this deeply textured (perhaps too deep) film essay on the life of an undoubtedly great musician. By the time Richard Gere showed up on screen, I had forgotten what I was supposed to be watching. I felt like I was lost, like I… wasn’t even there. ‘I’m Not There’ was two hours of flatness and made me feel stupid for ‘not getting it’….whatever ‘it’ was.

No Country For Old Men

Joel and Ethan Coen have a beautifully shot little sparkplug of a western on their hands. Gorgeous cinematography and art direction. I haven’t read the book that it was adapted from, but if I had, I would probably say something like, “they really captured the essence of the book on film through a skilled adaptation and the art of moving pictures.” The story of a creepy madman in pursuit of his money and drugs across a Texan backdrop draws you in and keeps you interested the entire time, especially when he uses some weird, air powered contraption to shoot people that was reminiscent of something Dennis Hopper would have used in ‘Blue Velvet’. I hope Javier Bardem has cleared off a space on his mantle for his upcoming Oscar win.

Before The Devil Knows You’re Dead

Ethan Hawke and Phillip Seymour Hoffman head up an extraordinary cast about a pair of brothers who set out to rob their parent’s jewelry store. The story elements were all there for me to want to like this movie, but something about the heavy direction was very hard to watch. It wasn’t hard to watch as in too gory or too sad or too painful, it was hard to watch as in too dense and slowly paced, as in my eyeballs had a hard time looking at the screen. Weird time dashes, and not like in a groovy ‘Pulp Fiction’ sort of way, more of like a my head accidentally got caught in a blender for a moment sort of way. Never has such firm and evident directing been so off-putting to me. Sorry, Sidney Lumet. Weird original score too. Sorry, whoever wrote the score.

Juno

Whoever thought this was going to be another ‘Superbad’ just because Michael Cera was in it, were probably disappointed. As a movie, I think it’s decently good, but as a star making vehicle for the sassy little frassy, Ellen Page, it’s amazing. The script offers a delightful character for this 20 year-old actress to tear through. She plays a harshly quirky high school girl who finds herself pregnant and giving her baby away for adoption. Allison Janney and Jennifer Gardner offer up some outstanding support performances as well. If you don’t have the soundtrack for this movie yet, you are missing out. Kimya Dawson is an odd folk singer who greatly colors this film.

Margot at the Wedding

Terrific! This just might be my favorite movie all year. Excellent script by ‘The Squid and the Whale’ writer/director Noah Baumbach. Amazingly sarcastic tone throughout the entire film that stays grounded in reality. Margot (Nicole Kidman) arrives at her estranged sister’s (Jennifer Jason Leigh) house in order to help prepare for her wedding to an overgrown shlub (Jack Black). Baumbach really nails the tense family hostility and their comic jabs at each other. The pacing, dialogue, and spirit is dark perfection. I giggled with familial familiarity from beginning to end. Bravo! Incidentally, my friend, Cody Melton, hated this movie. I can’t wait until the sequel “Margot at the Wedding 2: Margot at the Funeral of Secrets”…you bet I will force him to watch it with me.

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I Love Seth Rogen

June 15, 2007


So I saw ‘Knocked up’ last night between work and rehearsal (since i don’t have enough time to go home in between and I always end up falling asleep at Borders or spedning an embarassingly large amount of time in Urban Outfitters). I am glad I did, because my new boyfriend was in it – Seth Rogen. Jake Gyllenhaal has been so busy with that bike/cancer guy recently, that my feelings are starting to wane. I always thought Seth was an adorable little piece of cake, but he really got me in this film. LOVE him. HOLD him. SQUEEZE him. PET him. NEVERLETHIMGO him.

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Eight Below

February 13, 2007


I’ve been feeling like I’ve needed a good cry for a little while. I found my opportunity when I watched “Eight Below” starring Paul Walker and eight human-like siberian huskies. In fact, It would be safe to say that he dogs are more emotional actors than Paul Walker. Disney should make more family dramas with animals that do not talk. Talking animals in movies drives me crazy. Watching the dogs overcome the odds in the Antartic wilderness really tugged at my heart strings. At one point, I found myself alone in my dark living room talking at the TV. Through tears I pleaded, “Please don’t let another doggie die! Please!” I haven’t decided if I am super adorable for doing this or a complete nincompoop.

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The 10th Annual Jeff Awards

January 23, 2007

BEST MOVIE

Blood Diamond
Children of Men
The Departed
The Descent
United 93

BEST ACTOR

Leonardo DiCaprio – Blood Diamond
Ryan Gosling – Half Nelson
Richard Griffiths – The History Boys
Djimon Hounsou – Blood Diamond
Forest Whitaker – The Last King of Scotland


BEST ACTRESS

Annette Benning – Running With Scissors
Judi Dench – Notes on a Scandal
Maggie Gyllenhaal – Sherrybaby
Helen Mirren – The Queen
Meryl Streep – The Devil Wears Prada

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Steve Carell – Little Miss Sunshine
Greg Kinnear – Little Miss Sunshine
Joseph Fiennes – Running With Scissors
Kevin Spacey – Superman Returns
Mark Wahlberg – The Departed

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Lindsay Beamish - Shortbus
Emily Blunt – The Devil Wears Prada
Britney Murphy – The Dead Girl
Catherine O’Hara – For Your Consideration
Parker Posey – Superman Returns

BEST DIRECTING

Alfonso Cuaron – Children of Men
Guillermo del Toro – Pan’s Labrynth
Paul Greengrass – United 93
Martin Scorsese – The Departed
Edward Zwick – Blood Diamond

BEST SCRIPT

Children of Men
The Departed
Little Miss Sunshine
Notes on a Scandal
United 93

BEST ARTY STUFF Costumes, Cinemetography, Art Direction

Another Gay Movie
Children of Men
Marie-Antoinnette
Pan’s Labrynth
Superman Returns

BEST SOUNDTRACK

Another Gay Movie
Dreamgirls
Marie-Antoinnette
Running With Scissors
Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny

HOTTEST HOTTY

Adam Brody – Thank You For Smoking
Johnny Knoxville – Jackass Number Two
Jesse Metcalf – John Tucker Must Die
Andrew Simpson – Notes on a Scandal
Paul Walker – Eight Below

WORST MOVIE I SAW

Borat
The DaVinci Code
Final Destination 3
Superman Returns
Snakes on a Plane

WORST MOVIE I DIDN’T HAVE TO SEE

Apocolypto
Lady In The Water
The Lake House
Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause
A Scanner Darkly

BEST URBAN MOVIE

Idlewild
Little Man
Phat Girlz
Scary Movie 4
Snakes on a Plane

MOST OVERRATED

Bill Condon – Dreamgirls
Penelope Cruz – Volver
Clint Eastwood – Letters From Iwo Jima
Steaphen Frears – The Queen
Jennifer Hudson – Dreamgirls

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Best Movie Preview EVER

December 18, 2006

Are they serious about this shit? Hilarious. I blew Diet Snapple through my nose when I saw this at the movie theater. How is it they spent money on this crap? Yikes!