MJ’s Neverland Ranch Auction

The last 24 hours has been a rollercoaster of emotion. First, I found out that Michael Jackson is putting everything in his Neverland Ranch up for auction. Then today, I found out that he is canceling the auction because he hasn’t been able to sort through the items he wants to keep. I must get my hands on something from his collection!!

You can still view the lots for auction for the time being on Julien’s Auction’s website… for now. Just in case they disappear, I am posting some of the more, um, eye-catching pieces. I would give a nut for the mouse-boy below or the sculpture in the next photo, which is titled “Two Boys Catching Crabs”.

Ps… This slide is a life-sized sculpture… with life-sized kids. LIFE-SIZED.

Yes, thats a Bucking Bronco coin operated ride. The framed painting above is named, “Baiting Boys”. I’m not kidding. That’s what the website said. I swear.

Mel Gibson is Creepytown

Levi Johnston on Tyra Banks

I can’t think of two more ridiculous, boring, dumb people to be on camera together. I was glued to the TV.

Angela Lansbury’s Really Soft Porn

“25 Things That Make Me Barf”

In order to fight the Facebook virus, I made this in hopes of spreading mockery.

The rules are simple. Once you’ve been tagged (or whatever), you have to make a list of “25 Things That Make Me Barf”. If you don’t, Facebook will kill you.

1. Barf

2. Tequila

3. Vaginas

4. Cat shit

5. Granny panties

6. That summertime, homeless, black person smell in the subway

7.Girls named Andrea correcting you and saying, “It’s pronounced Ahhhndrayuhhh”

8. Proposition 8

9. Phlegm tacos

10. Booger burgers

11. When a therapist says, “So what I hear you saying is…”

12. Sitting in middle seats on an airplane.

13. Gin

14. Gin tacos

15. Barf tacos

16. That “Oops I Fell In Love With My Best Friend” feeling

17. My finger

18. A cheerleader’s toothbrush

19. Getting 5 shots of novacaine shot directly into the base of my dick shaft

20. Sports talk

21. “Are you still trying that acting thing?”

22. George W. Bush

23. Mormons

24. Mormon tacos

25. OCD-inducing lists on Facebook

Facebook’s “25 Things About Me”

Overnight, everyone in the universe posted “25 Things About Me” on their Facebook pages. It’s out of control. I tried to resist the OCD-like temptation of doing the list, but with several hours at a desk at work, I caved in. I wanted to post them here too.

25 THINGS ABOUT ME

1. There are 14 puppets looking at me right now.

2. I named one of the puppets Phyllis.

3. My boss is talking about yoga from behind a cubicle. I keep saying “oh yeah”, “really”, “thats cool”…

4. I am joining the Greenpoint YMCA this Sunday in effort to start one of my New Year’s Resolutions… on February 1st. January is so cliche. I want to look like Brad Pitt in ‘Fight Club’.

5. My neck hurts.

6. I have to poop, but I’m afraid the Afternoon Pee Bandit may have already been in there and I don’t want to wipe up the pee on the toilet seat.

7. I firmly believe that ‘Yo Gabba Gabba’ is the best show on television.

8. I wonder how this exercise is different than just doing status message updates.

9. When my baby brother was brought home from the hospital, I bit him on the arm. My mom asked me, “Why did you do that?” I answered, “Because I wanted to see if he was real”.

10. I’m dying to go to Coachella this year, but I live far away. The Killers AND Amy Winehouse at the same show? I would die.

11. About five years ago, I made a hand written will in one of my journals. I wanted to make sure my Patsy Cline CD and Jake Gyllenhaal magnet collection fell into the right hands.

12. Most of my job experience is in special education, but I sit at a computer all day and answer phones and stare out the window and wish there was something else somewhere else.

13. Twizzlers make me fart.

14. I pooped my pants on the soccer field when I was 10. Even though my dad kept yelling, “GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME, MARX” from the sidelines, I couldn’t help but constantly think of the turd in my shorts. At halftime, I tried to go to the restroom to clean up, but they were locked. Instead, I found a nice, pink house in the nearby cul-de-sac and asked the old lady if I could use her facilities. I left my poopy underwear in her wicker trash can.

15. I was a phone sex operator for three days. It was insane.

16. I’m planning a surprise party for my birthday.

17. I cannot live without Tabasco sauce.

18. The most rewarding experience I’ve ever had was volunteering at Re-Creation Summer Camp for 15 years. It’s a camp for adults with developmental disabilities. The unconditional love from the friends I’ve made there have made me so happy and I hope I have done the same in return.

19. The second most painful experience in my life was when the director of the summer camp tried to fire me for, literally, no reason. If there was a reason, it was mean-spirited and ill-communicated. I’m still trying to figure out the art of forgiveness on that one.

20. I think 25 things is a lot of things. I hate myself for caving in and making this list.

21. I was a candy raver in the deserts of California.

22. I am in love with my beard.

23. I believe in things like “there is good in everyone”, “love at first sight”, and “everything happens for a reason”.

24. Crazy people make me crazy.

25. My blog can always be found at www.marxthespot.wordpress.com

Everything On My Mind Fits Into This Picture

1.) I’m going to New Orleans the day after tomorrow!

2.) The Killers’s new CD is fucking awesome!

3.) Brandon Flowers, the lead singer, is super hot! And gay, right?!

4.) He’s not gay?!

5.) Wait. He’s a mormon and married?!

6.) He must be a closet case. He wore peacock feather shoulder pads on SNL!

7.) I’m still really bummed about Prop 8!

8.) I’m going to New Orleans the day after tomorrow!

I hope I get Mardi Gras beads and make out with Mormons too!

Fred Runs for President!!!

I wouldn’t vote for Fred, but I’d vote for the kid who does these videos.

He is hilarious.

Debates or Project Runway?

Hmm. Tonight is the final of three presidential debates between McCain and Obama. Tonight is also the season finale of Project Runway. They are on at the same time. Which one do I watch? DECISION 2008!

Thankfully, I have a DVR, so I will be able to see them both, but which one do I watch first? I don’t know which one I care more or less about. Neither can one of my besties, Jeff. We had the following gchat gconvo about our TV choices tonight:

me: who do you think will win?
Jeff: runway?
me: whatever
Jeff: debate? obama
runway? no idea
something tells me leanne
me: but what about the architectural beauty of mccain’s designs?
Jeff: mccain seems like something we’ve all seen before
not very fashion forward
me: do you think kenley has a chance?
she’s a cunt but joe six-pack loves her
Jeff: sarah palin is only there for drama
what do you think of korto?
me: i hope she wins, but i think she’ll flop
Jeff: but i like obama’s use of color

I’ll let the boring, white Leanne win Project Runway tonight over the soulful, black Korto as long as Obama pulls it out in the debate.

GObama!

Broadway Baby!!

Magically, I was given two free tickets to two separate Broadway shows this week. I NEVER go to Broadway, mostly because I think it’s ridicks to pay 100 clams to see theatre with old ladies unwrapping hard candies and lame tourists answering cell phones. However, I got to see two of Broadway’s hottest tickets in the same week! Yay for me! I have decided to review them both.

WICKED

What a fun set! What whimsical costumes! What delightful performances! I can see why girls across the nation are drooling over this show. Every crazy theatre girl wants to be in this show. Every chick boils down to either a giddy Glinda or a sarcastic Elphaba. There were no big names in this particular produciton, but the woman playing Glinda was perfect. What a fun role!

Besides the songs “Popular” and “Defying Gravity”, there wasn’t much musically that was memorable to me. I liked the story and how it lined up with the original Wizard of Oz. Maybe because the same writer who wrote “My So-Called Life” was the same one who adapted the book to stage. So much angsty fun! I also enjoyed seeing my friend dance his little heart out in several numbers. He’s the one who scored me the free seat!

All in all, I was surprised at how much I enjoyed this show.

EQUUS

I think this play was officially renamed “Harry Potter’s Penis” when it moved to the states from London’s West End. I mean, that’s the only reason people are gonna go see this play, let’s face it. It is horribly dated and verbose. The never-ending monologues of the main characters and the trite caricatures of the supporting roles make the script a very taxing and dense experience. The show is a time capsule from when it was originally performed in 1977 causing my brain to explode with boredom at many points.

That said, Richard Griffiths as Harry Potter’s therapist is brilliant. Thankfully, his performance doesn’t show an ounce of the pedophilic nature inherit in the writing. Very refreshing. Daniel Radcliffe is pretty good as the main character who goes crazy and blinds six horses. You could tell that Radcliffe is a genuine hard worker and has immense passion. The last twenty minutes of the play have him jumping about nude, killing horses, and crying. It’s hot, but not worth sitting through 17 hours of an ancient script that sounds like Charlie Brown’s Teacher – “wah wah wah wahhhh wahhhh”.

For those of you who are wondering about Harry’s hairy package – it is average and acceptable. The balls hang low, he is circumcised, and has untrimmed pubes, but not in a gross way. It’s perfect for the character!

Joan Allen, Violence, and Me

The best way to release pent up frustration, besides hot sex, is to go on a road rage. Not a real one. That would make you a crazy person.

I recently have been playing a shit load of Grand Theft Auto 4: Liberty City. I am not a video game person, but I have become obsessed with playing this totally horrible game. In the game, you get to be Nico, a mob hit-man. He runs around Liberty City, which is designed to look a lot like the 5 burroughs of NYC, and shoots, maims, and murders anyone he wants to for any reason at all.

I was shocked into laughter when I first saw the amazing detail of what shooting a hooker at point blank looked like. When I crashed my car and flew through the windshield, I giggled. Soon, I was hungry for the naughty violence I was able to enact without consequence. It felt fucking amazing.

That night, after leaving my friend’s house, I had some seriously effed up dreams. The next morning, I thought that if some unstable 12 year old got their hands on this video game, they could be trained to become a Murder Monster. Hell, I’m a decently stable 31 year old and I had visions of beating people in the street and hunting down cops with a rocket launcher. I had to give myself a break from all this guts and gore.

So, I went to the movies and saw Death Race.

Starring Joan Allen and some grizzly meathead with tasty abs, the movie was pure violencertainment and surprisingly fulfilling. Joan Allen is a white hot bitch who buys and sells prisoners into an unethical race to the death (hence, “Death Race”). Her cold and comically unnerving exterior represents an America not too far into the future. Big explosions, lots of blood, and a hopeless look into our society expertly shot in gritty cinematography.

Something is wrong with me for enjoying this sort of entertainment. I’m salivating. Maybe it’s the untapped anger and frustration that is inside everyone that is being released. Maybe it’s the thrill of living another life. Or maybe, it’s wondering what Joan Allen’s hard-on looks like.

Kanye Sucks

I am obsessed with the recent Kanye fallout. His performance at Bonnaroo was a steamy piece of cat shit. After reading a bunch of blogs from the people who were there, I have solidified a decently accurate account of what happened.

After insisting he go on after Pearl Jam, Kanye delayed his glow-in-the-dark show until 4:30am. Sure, Pearl Jam played an hour over their time limit, but word on the street is that Bonnaroo organizers asked them to play longer because Kanye wasn’t ready to load his ginormous spaceship onto the set. Kanye still burned up 1 hour and 45 minutes for setting up his lame lights and pyro and then had to race against the sunrise to perform his entire set. He neither greeted the crowd or said thank you afterwards. He just left the stage without even a single ‘Hello’. What a fucknut.

Some say Kanye didn’t like his time slot at the second stage and considered himself a main stage act and made organizers bump his slot. Others say he was coming from a show in Atlanta and was delayed because he was traveling to Bonnaroo. By the time Kanye took the stage, the crowd was so tired and irritated, they started chanting “Kanye Sucks” and throwing glow sticks and beer bottles on the stage!! Basically, Kanye is a whiny, punk bitch and I love, love, LOVE how this is getting under his skin. He even posted a rant on his own blog to try to do some damage control, but in the process only makes himself look like a tool. Here is the text from his blog post (I have highlighted my favorite quotes)…

________________________________________________________________________________________________

“I am sick of negative people who just sit around trying 2 plot my downfall… Why???? I understand if people don’t like me because I like me or if people think tight clothes look gay or people say I run my mouth to much, But this Bonnaroo thing is the worst insult I’ve ever had in my life. This is the most offended I’ve ever been… this is the maddest I ever will be. I’m typing so fucking hard I might break my fucking Mac book Air!!!!!!!! Call me any name you want…. arrogant, conceited, narcissistic, racist, metro, fag whatever you can think of…. BUT NEVER SAY I DIDN’T GIVE MY ALL! NEVER SAY I DIDN’T GIVE MY ALL! THIS SHOWS NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY TO BE GOOD AT SOMETHING THERE WILL BE PEOPLE THERE TO LIE ABOUT YOU AND BRING YOU DOWN! LIKE WAYNE SAYS PLEASE DON’T SHOOT ME DOWN CAUSE I’M FLYING! I’M FUCKING HURT BY THIS ONE. ALL I CARE ABOUT ARE THE FANS. JUST SAY THIS OUT LOUD IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE, “KANYE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT GIVING A GOOD PERFORMANCE.” CAN ANYONE HONESTLY SAY THAT ????????? HAS ANYONE EVEN TAKEN THE TIME TO AT LEAST DO THE MATH??? BONNAROO SHOULD HAVE RELEASED A STATEMENT IN MY DEFENSE BUT SINCE THEY HAVEN’T LET’S BREAK DOWN THE WALLS ON THIS TRUMAN SHOW AND LET YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY OCCURRED!!! FOR OVER A MONTH WE WENT BACK AND FORTH ON WETHER OR NOT WE COULD EVEN FIT MY STAGE AT THE FESTIVAL. ONE DAY THEY WOULD SAY YES… WE’D SEND THEM OUR SPECS THEN THEY THEY’D SAY OK… THEN THEY WOULD SEND SPECS BACK THAT DIDN’T FIT THE STAGE. WE WERE OBVIOUSLY DEALING WITH FUCKING IDIOTS WHO DIDN’T REALLY HAVE THE CAPACITY TO REALLY PUT ON THIS SHOW PROPERLY. THEY TRIED 2 GIVE ME A TIME SLOT WERE IT WAS STILL LIGHT OUTSIDE … I HAVE A FUCKING LIGHT SHOW DUMB ASS, IT’S NOT CALLED GLOW IN THE DARK FOR NO REASON SQUID BRAINS! MY PEOPLE WORKED OUT A COMPROMISED STAGE PLOT AND A 3AM TIME SLOT AND I AGREED. FAST FOWARD TO THE DAY OF THE SHOW. MY PRODUCTION MANAGER TRIED TO LOAD IN FOR 24 HOURS BEFORE I WENT ON STAGE BUT THE FESTIVAL WOULDN’T ALLOW US TO DO ANYTHING UNTILL PEARL JAM LEFT THE STAGE. PEARL JAM ENDED ONE HOUR LATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AT THAT POINT WE’RE RACING AGAINST THE SUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AT 4:20AM DON COMES BACK 2 THE BUS AND TELLS ME, ” IT WOULD TAKE 45 MORE MINUTES TO PUT ALL YOUR PYRO IN!” I SAY I HAVE TO GET OUT THERE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE . I HIT THE STAGE AND PEOPLE HAD BEEN THROWING SHIT ON THE STAGE AND HAD ACTUALLY HIT THE JANE SCREEN WITH, I GUESS BOTTLES OR SOMETHING AND HAD BROKEN MY FUCKING SCREEN. REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A SHORTY AND WATER WOULD HIT THE TV?????? WHEN I GOT 2 “THROUGH THE WIRE” I STEPPED ON THE FRONT PART OF MY STAGE AND THERE WAS SO MUCH LIQUID ON THE STAGE I COULDN’T MOVE WITHOUT SLIPPING. I HAD TO ADJUST MY WHOLE PERFORMANCE STYLE BECAUSE OF IT. A FEW MORE SONGS IN AND THE SONG WAS ON IT’S WAY UP.. I CUT A FEW SONGS FROM THE SET BECAUSE I WANTED PEOPLE 2 EXPERIENCE STRONGER WHILE THERE WAS STILL SOME DARKNESS TO PERFORM IT IN. I’VE STRUGGLED WITH STRONGER FROM IT’S CONCEPTION. REMEMBER LAST SUMMER WHEN I CANCELED SOME TV APPEARANCES. IT WAS BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO PERFORM STRONGER IN THE DAYTIME. ANYONE WHO CAME TO THE GLOW TOUR CAN UNDERSTAND WHY I WANTED PEOPLE TO SEE IT PROPERLY. IT BROKE MY HEART THAT I COULDN’T GIVE THESE FANS STRONGER IN IT’S GREATEST FORM… BY THE TIME I GOT TO STRONGER IT WAS DAYTIME AND IT BROKE MY HEART. I’M SORRY TO EVERYONE THAT I DIDN’T HAVE THE ABILITY 2 GIVE THE PERFORMANCE I WANTED TO. I’M SORRY… SOMETIMES I GO 2, 3 DAYS W/O SLEEP WORKING ON MY PERFORMANCE… I HAVE TO ICE MY KNEES AFTER EVERY SHOW AND THEY HURT WHEN I WALK THROUGH THE AIRPORT… HAVING AN EXPENSIVE STAGE CUTS MY PAYDAY IN HALF… CALL ME WHAT YOU WANT BUT NEVER SAY I DIDN’T GIVE MY ALL!!!”

________________________________________________________________________________________________

Total cat shit. I feel like I’m reading an angry 12-year old girl’s diary.

The best part of all of this? The crowds were chanting “Kanye Sucks” throughout the rest of the day. It became a rallying cry for all the dirty hippies in attendance. It’s starting to blossom across the nation!! This is the type of turning point in an artist’s career that starts a huge downward spiral. A future episode of Behind the Music will definitely be highlighting this moment. At worst, Kanye is a loud mouthed egomaniac. His “song”, “Stronger”, totally made a disaster out of Daft Punk’s “Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger”. At Kanye’s best, he is a talented side-kick for songs from artists like Madonna or Estelle, where he is allowed to rhyme “more seats” with “floor seats”. Kanye needs to be downsized to be a mere rap accent on pop songs. No more solo acts!!

Here are videos from Bonnaroo where Robert Randolph gets the crowd chanting. I don’t know who Robert Randolph is exactly, but I’m going to download his music ASAP, just because.

An anonymous comment in one of the many posts I ran across simply said, “Kanye hates white people”. Hilarious.

9 to 31: Spice Girls

HATED IT

Too many vaginas! It was a bonafide taco party! I was overwhelmed with 12 year-olds from Long Island at the Spice Girls concert last night. As a gay man, I truly feared for my safety. The line to the girls bathroom was a frenzied beehive. The eerie calmness in the men’s room was equally unnerving, like I was pooping in a futuristic, female dominated society.

T-shirts were on sale for fifty bucks. Fuck you. I can’t even wrap it around my head that people would pay that sort of money for a fucking t-shirt, but that didn’t stop the massive amount of pre-teen clams wearing them. I spent $15.00 on a cute tote bag, but the material was so thin and wispy that it probably wasn’t worth $2.00.

About two-thirds into the concert, the Spice Girls performed a trio of disco karaoke songs. “Celebrate”, “We Are Family”, and “something else that I forgot” were all tied together in some sort of haphazard bar mitzvah party extravaganza. Super low point of the show. It succeeded only as being time filler. I am all for goony camp, but this display was too much. If I wasn’t busy having such a great time, I would have been pissed.

I hated how everyone screamed for Posh Spice. She is so overrated. Posh’s “solo” didn’t even involve her singing. She pranced around the stage and performed some Madonna-esque choreography. Boo. I refused to scream for her in protest. The girls were such bitches to Ginger. What assholes.

LOVED IT

Ginger! Ginger! Ginger! I loved her blinged-out British Flag dress! I loved the fancy hydraulics in the stage that raised and lowered the ladies! I loved the hot dancer boys dressed in hip hop gear! I loved the hot dancer boys dressed as matadors! I loved the hot dancer boys dressed as hot dancer boys! I loved Sporty Spice! She carries the Spice Girls vocally and is so grossly underrated it kills me. I loved the slew of parents just sort of sitting around in the audience while everyone else was dancing. I loved seeing a single dad and a single mom chat each other up in the food court. Maybe they made a love connection while their daughters exercised their ‘girl power’ in the audience! I hope so! I loved pretending I was boyfriend/girlfriend with my besty-straighty, Sophia! I loved when they sang ‘Wannabe’! I loved when Ginger sang ‘It’s Raining Men’! I loved when they made Ginger disappear on a hydraulic before singing ‘Holler’, their first single after Ginger left the band. I love Ginger so much. More power to her for trying to do something outside of the Spice Girls, fail, and then swallow her pride and do a reunion tour. When some of the girls tried to give her shit about leaving the band, she triumphed with grace and humor. Ginger! Ginger! Ginger!

29 to 31: Ponies

I had to give negative feedback to an ebay seller today. Here is a copy of what I wrote in my complaint to the seller on the Paypal Resolution Center. I am sure it is somebody’s job to review this at Paypal and I am sure they are judging me.

“I have never received the My Little Pony TV Tray. Also, I haven’t heard any replies to my emails regarding this issue. I am sad. I love My Little Pony, but it seems that it is not “Mine” yet. It is still Your Little Pony. Please give me the tray or my money back. Thank you!”

Instead of cake, I am going to have a cotton candy machine at my birthday party.

Fred for President

So, it’s the night before we start The Master Cleanse and I have been bonkers on youtube tonight. I did a show earlier – the sketch/performance piece I have involving a gay picnic, Funyuns, and a jar of mayo which we use as lubricant during sexual intercourse…oh yeah, and I am dressed as the Bumblebee Girl from the ‘No Rain’ video. Sounds weird on paper, but trust me, its a crowd pleaser.

How much do you love Fred? These kids have some great videos on youtube. They call themselves JKL Productions. Seriously, check them out. They are hilarious kids who live in Nebraska and are bored out of their minds. The kid who does ‘Fred’ is my favorite! Such great comic timing….love it. I’m thinking of voting for ‘Fred’ for president. Enjoy this video too!