President Obama!!!

The good guys won! Finally, a happy example of how sometimes, if you wish hard enough, great things can happen. We started off with martinis and mozzerella sticks at Faces & Names in midtown. Once Ohio was declared for Obama, the bar went nuts. We took a walk over to Election Plaza at 30 Rock. It looked pretty boring. Everyone just stood around. We thought perhaps it was just a bunch of visiting foreigners feigning interest, so we marched over to Times Square. It was crowded and the energy had flatlined. Obama hadn’t been announced as the official victor yet and I wanted something crazy to happen.

We went back to my friend’s hotel room to watch the results come in. When we entered the lobby, the news was announced that Obama had won. Instantly, the lobby of the hotel was flooded with happy black people. They all had matching Obama stickers and were coming from the bar where they were hosting a private event. It was amazing to be one of seven white, gay boys in a sea of blackness. The security guard was high-fiving everyone in sight. My group of homos promptly went upstairs and continued the celebratory drinkfest…. until we heard about Prop 8 passing in California. You can’t win them all!

I love that America can elect a black President, but still won’t let gays get married. I’m gonna consider this a win for the night because otherwise I will go insane. Time to let politics rest for a little while…

GObama!!

Sex Pigs & Pirates

My gang and I went to my friend Jonathan’s roof party in Williamsburg for Halloween. I dressed up as a sexy pirate. Jeff was a sexy baseball player. Craig was a sex pig. He walked into the party wearing an overcoat and, like a flash of gay lightning, stripped down to his costume. He proceeded to run around the party full of mostly strangers and, in a creepy character voice, declared “I’m a sex pig! I’m a sex pig!” He snortled and snarled and dry humped the sofa. It was straight out of a David Lynch movie.

The Straights were in a little party funk. They were dressed up as people who hate Halloween. I enjoyed talking with Sophia about ‘The Hills’ and ‘Laguna Beach’. After five minutes of discussing the pros and cons of all of Lauren Conrad’s past boyfriends, Jon had a realization – “You mean, The Hills and Laguna Beach are two different shows?!?!?!” His straight, confused face was priceless.

The rest of the evening was full of too many Sarah Palins and “butt pirate” jokes. I talked to a coked up Frida Kahlo who wanted me to take a million pictures of her on my camera. Or rather, Frida talked to me. A lot. Mostly about puppets. Jonathan, who had dressed as a priest, made a videotaped confessional in a closet. Everyone took turns throughout the night confessing their sins, fears, and scandalous escapades. For NYC, this was a pretty terrific Halloween – even if it meant being followed around by a sex pig.

Funny Farm

It was just under a year ago that I went to my friend’s farm in The Poconos for the first time. This trip, there was a huge cornfield on his property. We arrived after dark and, after much prodding by the others, I ran into the cornfield with everyone. It was completely dark and creepy. The moonlight poked through the clouds. I had been thrust into a real life horror movie. Giant stalks of corn whipped wetness at my face. I looked down at the ground to what I thought were animal bones. It was just a rotten ear of corn that had fallen to the ground. When I looked up, everyone had ran in different directions. I was alone. I could hear distant giggles surrounding me. Fucking assholes. I kept yelling “YOU’RE NOT SCARING ME! I KNOW WHERE YOU GUYS ARE” over and over. But it didn’t work. Someone ended up scaring me. Twice.

The next night, after a long day of thrifting, we set up a make shift tent of sorts in the garage. The walls of the giant tent were made of purple and gold sheer fabric that was found in a box marked “FABRIC”. We made a vegetarian pasta with a white sauce and also a meat past with red sauce. Garlic bread and lots of wine helped fill out the meal. We all dressed up in our fancy clothes we had bought while thrifting. Wigs, boas, and polyester suits from the 80’s were all present and accounted for. After we said grace (“GRACE!”), we noticed an old man at the door, peering through the window. The rainbow colored curtain had been left open, so he was able to see right into the garage, but not through the purple and gold wall of fabric. The old man fumbled with the doorknob and walked right in. Our hostess, Chris (who wore a large and lovely argyle scarf that flowed to the ground), greeted him at the entrance.

CHRIS: Can I help you?

OLD MAN: Oh! Hello! I thought there was a poker game going on in here!

CHRIS: Um. No… We’re just having dinner.

OLD MAN: I had my eye on the scrap metal in your front yard for the last couple weeks.

CHRIS: Ok…

OLD MAN: Just wondering if you had anything planned with it.

CHRIS: Um. Yes. Someone is coming to pick it up.

The Old Man finally realized that he had just wandered into a strangers house. “Oh, ok, well thank you. Have a good night”, he said and dashed out the door. We all waited an appropriate amount of time for him to be out of ear shot before we burst into hysterical laughter. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT GUY THINKING? That’s how people get murdered! He’s lucky he stumbled on a group of artistic fruitloops playing house instead of a maniac’s lair of torture and death.

CHRIS: Do you think he saw us all dressed up around the table?

ERIC: (In character) There’sss no way he sssaw through all the sssheer.

I took so many pictures last weekend. I found out a bout a new color feature on my camera and it totally took some bomb ass pics. I will post them in a future entry because I do not have time at the moment. Needless to say, I’m becoming more and more interested in my photography hobby.

Hanging Out with The Straights

The Pokes – Tent City

A bunch of us went out to The Poconos this past weekend. A lot of the straight people pitched tents and went camping. The gays and My Straights roughed it indoors on inflatable mattresses. Thrift shopping, BBQing, and crafting were all on the schedule. Also, a surprise trip to a hillbilly Pizza Hut and a very manly fireworks display were in effect. There was too many pictures to post on this blog. I’m thinking of making a Snapfish Book.

Trials & Tribulations… and Mojitos

YOU: What happened in court today?
ME: Nothing.

At 3am this morning, I had a surprise visitor stumble upon me in Bed-Stuy. My great friend, Colleen, was visiting from Connecticut to see a boy about “closure”, but she got drunk and her evening led her to spending the night on my sawdust covered futon. Brian bought us egg sandwiches and we left for court. Colleen wanted to go along “for the experience”. I made her take a picture of Brian and I on the steps of the courthouse. I love Colleen.

I was thrilled to find out that our judge was a middle-aged Chinese woman who spoke with a zen-like tone and wore a tank top. She was totally going to be on our side. I just knew it. Then, we met our d-bag landlord’s d-bag lawyer, Something Shapiro. He tried to make us to commit to payments and we told he that we weren’t going to be making payments at all. Something Shapiro had no idea about the conditions of the apartment or that the city was already involved and had sent Indians to fix our floor. Something Shapiro rolled his eyes and mumbled something about how he hated our d-bag landlord, who not only didn’t show up, but wouldn’t answer his cell phone when his lawyer tried calling him. Hilarious.

Something Shapiro told the judge that we weren’t willing to settle and she set a trial date for May 20th. She told us to that we “might want to seek the advice of an attorney”. I think she has to tell that to everyone. She didn’t even want to see my giant book of evidence that I had put together. She didn’t know that we were actually ready for trial at that moment if we needed to be. She didn’t know that I am perfectly capable of representing myself in this matter. See you next month!

Colleen was disappointed that she didn’t get to see me in action at court, so she hopped on a train back to Connecticut. After a hardcore, three hour nap, I woke up to Brian making plans for a mojito party. I was gonna go see I’m From Barcelona with The Traveler, but then we realized that the concert was in Hoboken. Mojitos won out and he came over, along with The Straights, The Other Straights, Jeanne & Adam, and Raffy & Vladimir. Brian had to leave for an audition at UCB and left his mojito party just as it was getting good. We were playing a game we invented called Shoeball in my freshly tiled room. The Indians had put the finishing touches on it just 30 minutes before everyone showed up for mojitos. Instead of setting my room back up, we turned it into a shoeball court.

The Traveler tripped me (on accident…. I think) and I busted my knee cap. Since I was still in court mode, I took some photographic evidence of the injury he gave me. We decided that since he has met some of my friends now, he doesn’t need to have a secret blog name. The Traveler is hereby given a real name – Paul. He’s the blonde in the gray shirt who looks like he likes to trip people a lot for no reason. Jerk.

Raffy & Vladimir were the last guests standing by the time Brian got back from his late-night audition. We were quite the wasted fags. I loved the Impromptu Mojito Party! It was exactly what what was needed to shake off the court crap and reset my emotional rollercoaster for next month. Luckily, I have three big auditions this week, a cute boy, Madonna’s new CD that drops this Tuesday, and an upcoming wedding with rednecks to keep my mind off my stupid apartment. Also, I make slideshows….

Just Another Saturday In The Poconos

I managed to make myself go to work today. I figured that since the contractors called last night to reschedule their groundbreaking for Thursday, I should probably go to work. I am so tired! Who knew that relaxing would take so much energy? My eyes are at half mast and my brain is mushy from all the sitting around and doing nothing.

OK, maybe we didn’t do absolutely nothing. We listened to music, ate food, sat in rocking chairs, sang songs, and played croquet. Actually, I watched everyone else play croquet. I did lead everyone in a Share Circle around the campfire. We pretended it was the last night of camp and everyone had to say one nice thing about the other people in our bunk. I think the most endearing comment was by Tony (played by Jon) who said that the nicest thing about Marcia (played by Joslyn) was that “she has a sweet ass”. Oh, camp memories!

We went “into town” on Saturday. That means I got to mingle with the locals. I bought a lot of Jesus stuff. I bought homemade, hand painted plaques that say “And now it’s time to pray!” I also bought Jesus magnets, a ceramic nativity scene, and two baseball hats with a bright, yellow Jesus fish on the front. I bought two of those because you never know when you might need two for a sketch!

We all went grocery shopping in a small town market. Anytime I am outside the city, it amplifies just how faggy I can be. I don’t realize how saying things like “get that sausage out of my face and stick it up your butt” can come across to the gentle folk of Pennsylvania. I suppose a nice dose of me isn’t so bad. I tried to wear my Corona Beer shirt to blend in with the natives. Oh well.

Once we got back, we did a photo shoot on the playground. I tried to ride a bike, but I got scared. I was going so fast! I thought that certain doom would come to me should I continue riding. Instead, I read a magazine about all those polygamist Mormons who have a zillion kids and they don’t know each other’s names or anything. That shit creeped me out, so I decided to make some artichokes. My mommy used to make them as a special treat when I was younger and I hadn’t had one in awhile. They came out perfectly! Yay for artichokes!

A few cocktails later, we started drawing and crafting in the craft room. I wasn’t inspired to make much since last time I drew a scary face and everyone made fun of me. Instead, I played with the frogs and fish in the pond. I saw two frogs fucking! It was fascinating. I ended up falling asleep in a corner of the basement. It got so hot down there that, apparently, I took off my pants. I mooned everyone in my sleep! That’s what happens when mommy and daddy leave for the weekend and forget to lock the liquor cabinet!

The ride home was too much for my head/body/tummy ache. I shall never over do myself again in such a manner. What a delightful escape from the city. I have been to The Poconos three times now, and every time I think it will be my last, since it’s on the market to sell. Yay for The Poconos! Yay for my bed! Tonight, I will sleep forever. With my pants on this time.

Old Lady Dirty Dancing

I just bit this video from Jon’s gchat status message. Thanks Jon!

The Hipster War of 2008

I thought it was gonna be a harmless birthday party. This year, I loosely enforced a ‘hipster’ theme. Every party needs a theme! How else do you know what sort of evite to pick out? We ate at Sea in Brooklyn and drank pomegranate mojitos. We split into teams and did a scavenger hunt involving places located off the L train. Everything was going perfectly, until we arrived at The Alligator Lounge on Metropolitan Avenue. Cheap drinks. Free pizza. A bartender named True. (User note, you can click on the pics to make them bigger!)

Arrangements were made a week in advance to have the back room reserved for my party. I expected between 40-50 people, but in actuality only 30 showed up (that’s not counting the 5 people who showed up but never said goodbye when they left, poor form!) It would have been OK if we weren’t competing with hipsters for seating. Instead, we thought we would have a dance party right smack in the middle of their gloomy flannel. The friendly staff had also told me that I could take over the music in the back room if I supplied an ipod. Yes, I do want to provide the soundtrack to my birthday. Thank you, True.

The hipster climate in the back room was very segregated. In “The Good Corner” all the seats were taken by what appeared to be a very comfortable group of stoners who had stacks of free pizza in the middle of the table. I guessed they were there every Saturday night. In “The Dark Corner” was a smaller group of well dressed hipsters who told me, “as long as you don’t play any Dave Matthews or John Mayer, we’re gonna get along just fine.” In “The Red Light Corner” was a group of lame girls who looked like they got to drive their father’s BMW’s into Brooklyn from Long Island – “Just don’t go into the city, ladies!” Other random hipsters filled up the room while guzzling Pabst Blue Ribbon. There was a bit of a line waiting to play Mrs. Pac-Man and Big Buck Hunter. This was gonna be a hard crowd to win over, especially since someone had put 5 dollars worth of Jeff Buckley on the jukebox.

True, the hipster bartender, graciously helped me start up my ipod. My first song was “Semi Charmed Life” by Third Eye Blind. Wow. The mixed reaction was deafening – equal parts excited squeals and a few people actually yelling ‘Boo!’ By the time the first chorus of ‘do-do-do-do’ came around, I had won over half the room. Some of the lame girls were singing along, a few dudes at the video games were bouncing their heads. However, all was not well with the stoners in the corner. They were pissed we turned off their set of songs that people use to kill yourself in a bathtub. How can you be mad at “Semi Charmed Life”? EVERYONE liked that song when it came out! The room made it through the next few songs without incident – “Forever Your Girl” by Paula Abdul, “Lovefool” by The Cardigans, and “Groove is in the Heart” by Dee-Lite all blended into the crowd, but when Madonna sang “Where’s the Party”, it was just too much for certain hipsters to handle.

One of the drunk stoners threw free pizza at Jon. Immediately following the hit on Jon, another round of free pizza bullets hit Oscar. Cody saw everything and instantly flipped into rage, making accusations and trying to verbally assault the hipsters. Out of nowhere, a giant black man came over and ejected the drunk assholes who were throwing free pizza. Then, the remaining stoners tried to start more shit with our good time crew! Another bouncer came over to squash it and the rest of the stoners went back to their corner. A hipster uprising! That was scary AND funny! If only Madonna knew how much pain and suffering she caused these hipsters with her bubble-gum party hit from the 80’s. I am sure she meant for the song to bring people together, but here, in a back room at a hipster bar in 2008, it was only tearing people apart.

The rest of the night continued with half the crowd freaking out (in a positive way) over every song that came on while the other half whispered messages of hate towards me and my posse. They hated on Justin Timberlake. They hated on Kylie Minogue. The even had the audacity to hate on the brand new Janet Jackson! True and his batender gang bought me three drinks throughout the night. I guess they felt bad that the stoners threw free pizza at my friends. Those were the most violent stoners I have ever met! I love that they hated the music so much that they started a free pizza food fight, but they didn’t hate the music enough to leave and let us have the good seats! I think they particularly loved it when Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories sang “Stay (I Miss You)”. They didn’t know whether to sing along or take me hostage. Even the well dressed hipsters tried to scold my music selections and asked me ‘how long does your birthday last for?’ I assured them that there will be no Dave Matthews or John Mayer and that it’s my birthday and they have to be nice to me. Hipsters are hilarious.

The lame girls who danced to every song wished me a happy birthday and thanked me for my wonderful playlist. A few hipster dudes asked me to make a play list for them so that hot chicks will come over and dance at their house. When I went to gather my belongings to leave, I did a fade out on my playlist. There was a spattering of unenthusiastic applause, mixed with just a few disappointed groans. Now I know how to start a Hipster War if ever we needed one. Just make a playlist and force a bar full of hipsters to listen to it. Armies will form. Battle lines will be crossed. You will decide whether you hate my music or love it and the war will begin. Luckily there will be enough free pizza to ration to the troops so the hipster war would never be without food. Ooh. That gives me an idea. No food? Next year’s theme will be African Safari! I can register my party guests to adopt a starving child! And I can still play Madonna for the soundtrack!

28 to 31: Feisty

Sophia: how was the date with The Boozer?
me: wellllll
he called at 5pm but i was already in my PJs
he’s coming over tonight to watch reality tv
Sophia: nice!
well at least it wasnt a blow off
me: no it wasn’t. he called me twice
Sophia: be careful
no one likes a cling on
me: HA
Klingons
wasnt that star trek or something
star wars
Sophia: god knows
Sent at 9:04 PM on Thursday
Sophia: i think Fiest was on my train this morning
but i dont know
im looking at a pic now and it looked like her
but she looks like 80% of the females in nyc
me: but she’s canadian
Sophia: she got on the A train at 145th street
me: why would she be up there?
Sophia: to be cool
me: i hope she writes a song about it
Sophia: me too
Sent at 9:37 PM on Thursday
me: WOW feist really does look like 80% of females in nyc
Sophia: RIGHT?!
she was with a young couple
they were chatting
me: i would imagine feist is a chatter
Sophia: the guy she was with looked like that guy from project runway
the girl was bi-racial
me: those are definitely types that would be chatting with feist
Sophia: i know
i totally saw feist today

30 to 31: Chromeo

Getting drunk on a Monday is lame. I am officially old now.

Last night I had a full evening of plans. Usually Monday nights are my laundry-stay-at-home night, but I packed in two Friday nights into one, little Monday. I met up with a dude I’ve been hanging out with right after work. I don’t have a clever nickname for this guy because I think I actually might like-like this one. Hmm. Maybe I’ll call him Like-Like. So I met up with Like-Like at Forbidden Planet, a giant comic book store. Like-Like loves “graphic novels” and it was actually very fun walking through this explosion of superheroes, animation, and action figures. I bought a tiny little Winnie the Pooh who was dressed up inside a glue bottle. I really wanted to buy some weird Japanese shit, but it was too expensive.

We slowly fell in like-like with each other over some chimichangas. Conversation whizzed by and as soon as we finished 4 or 5 margaritas (I honestly can’t remember) I had to go to meet up with The Straights because we were going to see Chromeo in concert. The studly latino waiter brought our check and some free dessert shots of something he called “La Cucaracha”. Like-Like and I sort of stumbled/glided into the street where he went in for an after dinner kiss. Adorable.

I was in a pretty dope mood when I met up with The Straights. “Another round on me!” Perhaps I yelled it a little too faggy in the nearly empty bar because I caught a few sideways glances. Whatever. Two hot (almost) lesbians were making out in the corner, then started working on what appeared to be homework on their laptops. OK, fine, do your homework in a bar.

A few more rounds into our Chromeo pre-game, Sophia asked about the tickets. Jon immediately deflated. He had left them at work. We thought he was joking at first, but it turned out he was not. Instead, we played Scatergories and Connect 4. Thank god that bar had board games otherwise the night would have been ruined. We laughed and drank and made fun of the stupid bartender. When we were getting ready to walk out, the lesbians came up to us and wanted to play Connect 4. Sure, why not. It’s only 11:00pm on a fucking Monday! So another round of booze, of course. A fresh Captain and Coke appeared in front of me like magic. We all got to chatting and I find out the lesbians are from The OC! Crazy! They grew up in Huntington Beach! Weird! They went to my high school! SHUT THE DOOR! GET OUT OF TOWN!

The Straights and I got a falafel. Jon said one of the lesbians looked like Paris Hilton. Sophia disagreed and threw my baklava in the garbage. I don’t know why she did it. I didn’t think the lesbian looked like Paris Hilton, but I was laughing and we were hammered so that made me guilty. I dug my baklava out of the garbage and ate it anyway.

Wow. I can’t believe I am gonna be 31.

The Poconos

This past weekend I returned to the farm in The Poconos. Country life is nice and relaxing, but I couldn’t imagine living there full time. It’s like you go into a vortex of time and space – lunchtime feels like dinnertime and the moon comes out at noon. If I was a lazy, unmotivated, country teen, I would be very bored in the middle of Hicktown. I can very easily see how someone would develop some sort of drug or alcohol problem because what else is there to do? Watch popcorn pop….

Luckily we didn’t have to become country meth heads all weekend. There was plenty to do besides watching popcorn pop. Sophia hosted a murder mystery game, we put together puzzles, read books, dressed up in costumes, played in the snow, took editorial photo series, had a scavenger hunt, went thrift store shopping, grocery shopping, cooked giant meals, made arts and crafts, played with dolls, listened to every song in my iTunes, and told stories. No need to create a meth lab with this creative group of geniuses!

Below you will find a series of photos along with favorite quotes throughout the weekend. I can’t explain everything for you, just take in all the randomness and enjoy!

We went grocery shopping in a small town store. It was eerily silent and my booming voice could be heard everywhere. I didn’t mean to cause such a scene, but it’s not every day that these hicks see a group of hip, young, New Yorkers in their sleepy little grocery store. Maybe the constant video taping I was doing was a little much. The store had homemade pierogis, which was a total bonus. The cashier looked like she was 9 years old and everywhere whispered to each other as I walked past them. It wasn’t like I was screaming and yelling and dressed in drag. Now, THAT would be exciting! Maybe not as exciting as getting punched in the mouth during the scavenger hunt that I made…

The only television we watched was some big deal football game. The Straights tried to trick me into liking football. Sophia kept telling me how hot the dudes are in the uniforms. I don’t have to sit through an entire game for that! I can look at pictures on the internet, and if I am looking at pictures on the internet, it’s going to be of Brent Corrigan, not some football player in a lame uniform. The end of the game almost tricked me into being excited. There was a tie and a flip of the coin and alot of yelling from freezing fans in the stadium. Jon tried to explain what was happening in the game, but no matter how much it looked exciting, I still didn’t care. Boooring. I was more excited to go out in the snowy field where a creepy truck was marooned in a patch of overgrown weeds and trees. The gays went out for a stroll in the 18 degree weather and we did a photo shoot.

I made breakfast every morning for everyone because I am awesome and also because I was hungry and love breakfast and no one else was making it. Jon fried up the homemade pierogis for lunch. It was fascinating. One of the high points of the weekend came when The Straights, The Other Straights and “Mary” finished the wizard puzzle. I wasn’t emotionally invested into the puzzle like they were, but I was very happy for them when I heard them congratulatory scream from the next room. Whether I was laughing at Sophia in a shitty wig and giggling at the refridgerator or pretending I was a bartender in the basement bar, every minute of time was well spent and well relaxed. Thank you, Martin Luther King Jr. for the three day weekend!

Here are my two favorite pictures from this weekend… one is a candid shot of The Straights that I captured. Jon told me I was “a regular Annie Leibovitz.” The other is of me and my roommate, Brian.

Oh yeah. All weekend I kept taking pictures of myself. Everyone laughed at me like I was an idiot. Well, tell me if this last slideshow is the work of an idiot…

Yes.

2000 Great!

“This is gonna be my year!”
- Jeffrey Marx, January 1st, 2007

So, um, last year was basically stupid. I moved three times – from the West Village, to Harlem, to Brooklyn – acquiring a new ex-roommate enemy, I started talking to an old friend again only to realize that I still “liked him liked him” so now we aren’t talking again, my improv team got disbanded at UCB, I ended up hating the show I wrote, the few guys I did date were either emotionally unavailable or wore towels as skirts to bars, my awesome gay therapist broke up with me, and I only lost 29 pounds on my 50 pound challenge.

So, today, I say that 2008 is REALLY going to be my year! It’s time to start using The Secret, goddamnit! I am just going to start acting like I already have everything I want! Then, The Secret will align with the universe and give it to me anyway! Like magic! I can’t wait! (I wonder if The Secret still works if I am, like, 20% sarcastic about it) Here is a list of things I want (lies) that I will be putting into the universe. You may be confused when I say, “I am late for an appointment with my commercial agent because my BMW had to be dropped off at the mechanics” because I don’t have a commercial agent, BMW, or a mechanic. But, using The Secret, those lies (things I want) will come true if I just believe! Better yet, instead of a list of things I want, I will give you a list of things you might hear me say this year that are, upon first glance, untrue. However, I am just practicing the theories of The Secret.

1.) “My hot boyfriend’s dick is so huge, I can barely take it! Sometimes we just like to cuddle and that is enough for us!”

2.) “The reading for my new play went extremely well. I am so glad that Paul Rudd was available at the last minute.”

3.) “As a gay guy, selling my one man show was no problem. HBO and Showtime are having a bidding war over me right now!”

4.) “There’s a new found respect for reality TV these days. Thank goodness I got that job as an executive producer for reality TV.”

5.) “I can’t decide if I want the polo shirt from Abercrombie & Fitch or the V-neck t-shirt from American Apparel, maybe I should buy both since I need a whole new wardrobe to go with my new body!”

6.) “Dry tuna and pita is extremely satisfying for lunch!”

7.) “That model for 2(x)ist underwear is undressing me with his eyes!”

8.) “Jake Gyllenhaal just came out of the closet!”

Anyway, no official resolutions this year. Just the promise to myself to be a better person, make better choices, and to stop downloading music I hear on ‘The Hills’.

After my trip to California, it took 4 days of gluttonous tomfoolery to re-connect with myself. Dates, sex, parties, The Straights, and naked hipsters all helped me re-adjust. Here are the best pictures from New Year’s Eve.

OK, so maybe those aren’t the “best” pictures from New Year’s Eve, but they are the only ones that I can publicly share on the interweb. Happy 2000 Great!

White Trash X-mas Party

Brian and I started decorating this past Wednesday. Somehow it took us right up until 7:00pm (the time the party was to start) this Saturday to be completely ready for our First Annual White Trash X-mas Party! My new painting arrived from New Orleans just in time to be hung in our living room! Here is a photo tour of what our apartment looked like beforehand…

There was also a Jewish room and I hung a framed picture of Jake Gyllenhaal in a Santa hat in the bathroom. For snacks, Brian baked himself into a frenzy and made a bunch of cookies. I made cheese and Ritz crackers, a twinkie tower, and a seven layer dip of which I could only think of six layers worth of stuff to put on it. The twinkie tower was a hit – stacks of red and yellow twinkies garnished with spicy pork rinds. A real X-mas treat!

The party got off to a very slow start. Only one person was there on time and she planned on leaving early! Was this a cruel joke? Was no one coming? We thought the G train may have eaten some of our guests! About 9:30pm, people started coming all at once. The Straights got held up at a Cookie Party hosted by single, fat Christian girls with bad attitudes. Sounds like my party was a definite upgrade. Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You” played on the radio and all was in full swing.

Once everyone had time to mingle and down some cocktails, we did a White Elephant gift exchange. You know, the thing where you get to steal other people’s gifts and everyone sits in a circle? Anyway, the shittiest gift that was brought this year was sheet music from ‘Gypsy’. It was a last minute entry for someone who forgot to bring a gift. Now, I am all for last minute entries – I helped a friend out by wrapping some used CD’s (good ones too!), but sheet music wrapped in newspaper is a new low. However, it does not top the one year in college that someone wrapped an empty Taco Bell soda cup for a gift and when it was selected, you could see the melted ice cubes dripping through the green and red paper. The guy who brought that was permanently banned from my circle of friends.

I stole a pretty dope figurine from the Paris Hotel in Vegas, but Brian stole it from me in an attempt to get me to form an alliance with him to steal the spice rack that he wanted. I almost did it because the dude who brought the sheet music had the spice rack, but in a surprising, last minute turn of events, I stole my own gift (a Jay Strongwater heart pin) from the lovely Jeanne. Now what? Well, Jeanne then stole the spice rack from the sheet music guy leaving him the only choice but to unwrap a new gift. He got a figurine of a girl caroling in the snow, her mouth looked like she was ready to give a blowjob. It was all very confusing and slightly hostile, which seems to be the way games go down in this household, but I somehow ended up with my Paris figurine again and Brian and Jeanne had each other’s gifts they wanted, so they just switched. It was a Christmas miracle! The only miracle that wasn’t so delightful, was the people who got shafted with the sheet music. The Straights thought it might be a nice piece of art, a painting, a water color, perhaps a paint by number….nope.

After a downward spiral of booze, pills, and sugar cookies, everyone was having a good time, or at least was tricked into thinking they were having a good time. The guy who brought the sheet music left his caroling blowjob figurine behind. Maybe accidentally, but The Straights think it was left out of a guilty conscience. The Straights happily took the caroler and tried to roll a cigarette with the sheet music.

My vote for favorite party guest was a Japanese girl, whose name was Miko, I think. She was visiting from Japan. She did not know much English and came to the party stoned. I am still not clear how she got to the party or who she was there with. I leave you with some of my favorite shots from the evening. Enjoy!

Merry Effing X-mas!

Mates of State are Grate

After my second session with the new therapist (she’s old and all womanly, ugh), I met up with Craig and we jetted over to Klong in the east village and had a lovely thai dinner with The Straights. They had tickets to go see New Yong Pony Club and Craig and I had tickets to go see Mates of State so we all thought it would be fun to get a little drunk before our shows.

Boy, those Thai people are pushy about getting us out of the restaurant! No shame! Sophia and I barely had time to finish our pomegranate martinis, so I gave Craig the infant message book I found at the garage sale in Pennsylvania and we all went to some shitty NYU bar around the corner.

We all drank too much for a Thursday night. Craig and I left The Straights at the bar and headed to the Lower East Side, where it can be a little scary when the streets are named after words and not numbers….

You know? I am so tired and hungover and it’s raining out my window at work and I feel a little gloomy and an ounce of sad…I don’t even care to finish this blog. How about that world? I think instead I will go to the bathroom and head into the city to get drunk again with Towel Boy. We’re gonna see a movie and then I will probably have to fuck him, since he is a total bottom and, really, how annoying is that? About as annoying as not having sex in the first place.

Anyway, Mates of State were great. They are adorable. I can’t wait for their new CD.