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Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category
A Boy I Like and He Likes Me
October 1, 2009(A BOY I LIKE and JEFFREY are hanging posters in Jeffrey’s room. A shirtless Jake Gyllenhaal has been mounted on the wall.)
BOY I LIKE: So, is Jake Gyllenhaal, like, your picture of perfection?
JEFFREY: Yes. He is is my ultimate celebrity crush. He is gorgeous!
BOY I LIKE: You are my Jake Gyllenhaal.
(JEFFREY drops a thumbtack on the floor)
Scene.
A Poem I Found On A Stranger’s Dry Erase Board
February 9, 2009Computers
computers computers
computers computers
computers computers computers
computers computers computers
different types of computers
thank you
- Author Unknown
A Message from a Stranger on Manhunt.com
January 24, 2009
“Hello. My name is Gabriel, I have 26 years, and I am dentist, live in veracruz mexico, and look for a good friend, I am single because it’s not even in my love life.”
Soulmates!
Unpacking for the rest of my life
January 24, 2009What happens when I buy a bottle of vodka and unpack in my new apartment? I don’t know, but I’m gonna live blog about it… because I am a tool.
5:45pm I wasn’t sure if I should buy peach or orange flavored vodka. Making decisions is a hard task for me these days. I settled on orange because suddenly the word “peach” didn’t look right in print. I avoid words like ‘phoenix’ or ‘mayonaise’ or ‘juxtaposition’. I bought some cranberry juice and went home to unpack.
6:05pm There’s a lot of trash here – stuff I didn’t realize was trash when I packed it. This new apartment makes me want to purge my crap. Flush it out like communism. Trash is everywhere, trying to sit around while everything else does all the hard work. Fuck you, trash. There’s no ice in the fridge. I forgot to do that.
6:17pm I finished making a new mix to listen to while I unpack. It’s got Sheryl Crow, Sublime, and the soundtrack to ‘Seussical the Musical’. I was browsing through the ‘S’ section of my iTunes library. It’s a real piece of art.
6:49pm Really gonna start now. I had to poop and cruise boys on the internet.
7:10pm Do I need to keep this stack of magazine clippings? They all have pictures of Jake Gyllenhaal on them. Hmm.
7:32pm I threw them away. Fuck Jake Gyllenhaal. What was I gonna do? Make a collage with them? I’m almost 32. Grow up. Criminy. I’m gonna save the hottest one though and tuck it in a book and forget about it. It’ll be a nice surprise when/if I ever move again. I’ll look back fondly and chuckle at my younger self. What book is this? “The Secret War Against the Jews”. Why do I have this? Fuck it, they’re both garbage. TTYN.
8:40pm A friend of mine came over. He’s high. I’m drunk. We might get naked.
9:11pm I just ran across an old love letter I wrote to my first crush in college. I kept it. It’s fucking hilarious.
9:29pm The bathroom sink keeps leaking. I am out of towels. It’s really hot in this apartment. The heat is cranked up like a fag with a meth pipe. I’m sweaty and I don’t feel like it’s deserved becauase I haven’t really done too much. Oh. The Killers just came on. Love that shit.
10:00pm Ordered a pizza. We wanted two small personal pizzas – mine with mushrooms and cheese, his with sausage and peppers. The pizza place was close to closing, so they said we couldn’t get what we wanted. They told us we could have one large pizza with sausage and onions. Um, ok. I guess that’s fine. We’ll survive.
10:43pm Pizza guy came. He told us a huge story about how they were almost closed and he brought out all the ingredients and slaved away at the oven and whatever. He didn’t have to work so hard for a tip. We threw money at him because we’re fucking drunk.
10:46pm Watching ‘Reality Bites’. Remember when Winona Ryder was relevent? I once was at a bar and I couldn’t tell if this guy was flirting with me or just being a douche. I lied and told him that I was Winona’s personal assistant. I used to have a crush on her back when I was trying to convince people I was straight. GODDAMN, this move as a great soundtrack. GODDAMN, I’m drnk.
1:28am blah blah blah blah blah blah blah… ‘night, mother…
2009: The Year of The Secret
January 15, 2009
I know, it’s been awhile since regular updates. I miss you too.
I’m in the middle of packing, moving, and reorganizing my thoughts to include harmony and positivity. Don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll slip up from time to time and still offer bitter hilarity.
There’s so much to catch you up on! Great things!!!
More anon…
Don’t underestimate the magic of a cornucopia.
November 26, 2008I’m off to New Orleans to celebrate Thanksgiving and rum!
See you on the other side!
I re-decorated my room…
October 22, 2008I know, I’m only in a sublet. I know, I plan on moving in January-ish. However, my room needed a little – something.
Fred Runs for President!!!
October 17, 2008I wouldn’t vote for Fred, but I’d vote for the kid who does these videos.
He is hilarious.
A Shit-Stick Wedding
October 14, 2008
My lovely, red-headed vixen, Johanna Parker married the hilarious and handsome Eric Appel this past weekend. They met when my and Johanna’s improv team, Ugly Stick, played Eric’s team, Shit-Storm, at Upright Citizen’s Brigade several years ago. They are a freaking awesome couple and I am super happy for both of them. Sadly, I almost didn’t make it to the wedding at all!
On my way to meet Cody and Betsy at Betsy’s Beamer in Chelsea, my taxi got a flat tire. I had to wander the streets of Brooklyn to get a new car service. Once out of the city, we ran into some very mean fur protesters who were blocking cars in the middle of the road. After sitting through about 40 minutes of furry traffic, we still had a three hour drive upstate ahead of us. We sped northward. We went so fast that we got a speeding ticket. Brilliant. Then, once we were sure we were on our way, we took a wrong turn, but didn’t know it until 30 minutes later – so we had to drive 30 minutes back. We fought a family of cannibalistic hillbillies (no joke), got directions from Bubba Gump, and went in circles a few times because “9 North” is apparently different from “9 N”. At least we got to enjoy the turning of the leaves.
We missed the actual ceremony. It kills me. I hate people who miss the ceremony. What pieces of stupid shit we were to miss it. I heard it was amazing and that they wrote their own vows. I love when people write their own vows, damnit! Of all the straight weddings going on in the world around me, this is one I really wanted to witness!!! I spit in my own eye. Johanna was a vision of beauty and so was her perfect dress!
Anyway, the rest of the evening was terrific. Such joy and harmony! Watching Eric and his mom dance the Mother/Son dance to Kermit the Frog’s “Rainbow Connection” actually made me cry. My mom and I used to sing that song too! The Father of the Bride’s speech always gets me too. Johanna’s dad is such a genuine guy. Great speech!
One of the best ideas I have ever seen at a wedding? An old timey photobooth! Guests take unlimited photos and they all get copies of them. After the wedding, the new married couple get a book of all the photos that were taken. It’s the perfect accent, especially at a wedding full of comedians!
A beautiful event all around. It made me super happy. What a difference from The Georgia Wedding I went to earlier this year. I didn’t even come close to being molested at this wedding! Bravo, Appels, bravo.
Pride is Whatever
July 8, 2008
I had never been to NYC’s Pride Parade before this year because I am usually in California volunteering at a summer camp for adults with disabilities. I did not return to camp this year for a myriad of reasons, so instead, I got to experience this landmark event.
Welllll, if by ‘landmark’, I meant ‘messy’.
Our gaggle of gays met at Jeff’s apartment, conveniently located steps away from the parade route in the West Village. Before arriving at Jeff’s, I went to see The Moment of Silence. It was to happen at 2pm. I thought this would be a powerful moment and I didn’t want to miss it. I arrived at the parade route at 1:45pm. After twenty minutes went by, I began to get really excited to see this huge crowd of fags shut up and observe the silence and pay respects to those who have lost their lives for a myriad of reasons. I watched a gay gospel choir, a gay Indian group, and a bunch of rowdy gaysians march on by… but it was now 2:15pm!!! Where the fuck is my silence?!?!?! I wanted to be touched by the power of community silence!!!! And instead, I get a sea of Asian and Pacific Islander lesbians all wearing red and waving red pom-poms?!?!?!?! Criminy!
After being accosted by several straight entrepreneurs selling rainbow everythings, I went to Jeff’s just in time to avoid a ginormous thunderstorm! Thank goodness, because I forgot my umbrella… ella… ella. We drank and drank and drank some more. The intense lightning and furious thunder pressed down hard on the parade. In the distance, I could hear drag queens screaming and their boots clomping towards cover. I’m sure the rain brought a certain sense of togetherness to everyone along the parade route, however, we were all quite content to let the rain pass while we drank for cheap inside the apartment. Once it passed, we ventured out into the hot, humid, grossness.
Two minutes into our parade watching, the storm started up again. We ran like tiny, pink faggots back into the apartment. More drinking. A gay dance party in the living room. Someone suggested an orgy, which wasn’t going to happen for a myriad of reasons. We were having a delightful time being gay in this apartment, which happens every time I’m over there anyway. We didn’t really need a parade to assert our individuality and togetherness. Some people do, sure, great – get rained on in sticky wetness…
We did, eventually, assert ourselves enough to get a cheeseburger at Julius – an old man gay bar. Wow, that place was too much. Creepy and weird. To each his own, but I hadda get the eff out of there. In the streets, we saw all sorts of near-nudity. A Jamaican girl’s booty, a man in gold speedos, and even more dark meat was on display. Somewhere, in all this drunken mess, we lost our friend Gary. Last time we saw him, he was stumbling towards The Dugout, a sweaty bear bar, and yelling at us over his shoulder, “You’re too slow, homo! You’re slow-mo, homos!” The last know picture of Gary is here. Please let me know if you have seen our friend.
Robert really loved his pink umbrella… ella… ella. It was good for many photo ops. We ran into my good friend, Raffy, and we all enjoyed an ice cream and chatted in the streets. The oppressive heat drove us back to the apartment. Being able to be our own DJ and drink cheaply was much more enticing than standing around watching people pass out in the streets. I was such a sweatty, hot mess!
All in all, we had a great time. Laughing, boozing, and generally fagging out all over the place. It’s just what we normally do on any other given day! Which, when you think about it, makes New York pretty awesome… for a myriad of reasons.
