Seeking Part Time Job

Everyone wants a cover letter. I think cover letters are lame. Recently, I applied for the position of a store manager at Ricky’s for work during the Halloween season. Here is my cover letter -

Dear Ricky, Aug. 12^th 2009

I think you are the coolest store in Manhattan. The way you dress, the way you smile… I want to be like you. I want to be one of your store managers for this upcoming Halloween season, and perhaps beyond. Living in New York can be rough, but stores like you help people get out of their “funk” and into their “funky”. Being a part of that would light up my life. In turn, I would brighten up the days of your customers and employees. It would be a cycle of happiness and our reciprocal love for the universe will shine through your store windows, drawing in lots of gorgeous people with lots of gorgeous money. Let’s make money!

Speaking of cash, let me share my recent salary history, as requested in your ad on Craigslist. I am currently raking in __K a year as a day-time receptionist. Before becoming a professional phone monkey, I was making 12 dollars an hour at Starbucks as a shift manager. Previous to my lucrative coffee career, I don’t remember my salary history because I was simply too poor. You can only count 3 quarters and a nickel so many times.

I have years of experience in retail management and positive energy. Put me to the test and let me show you how to fly.

Ghoulishly Yours,

Jeffrey Marx

If I Had A Dollar For Everytime….

After nearly two years, this exchange has finally made me krazy. I need to have a recording of it so I can play it at my desk. The revolving cast of scene partners is very diverse, but the text is always the same. Today, it was an extremely peppy mother and her hot son, who was experimenting with eyeliner. I knew that this exchange was going to happen as soon as she opened her mouth.

PEPPY MOM: Well good morning!!! How are you today???!!!

JEFFREY: Good thanks. Yourself?

PEPPY MOM: Great!!! My son and I have an appointment for one of your campus visits -

EYELINER KID: It’s a tour, mom. A campus tour.

PEPPY MOM: Right!! We might be a little lost!!! Are we in the right place???!!!

JEFFREY: Go out of the building the way you came, make a left down the walkway, go all the way down and on the right side is the Washington Building, and Admissions is on the 2nd floor. They are in charge of the tours.

PEPPY MOM: Thank you!!! So, I make a right down the hallway???!!!

JEFFREY: Go out of the building the way you came, make a left down the walkway, outside, go all the way down on the right side is the Washington Building. 2nd floor. Admissions.

PEPPY MOM: Thank you!!! Have a good day!!!

EYELINER KID: (exiting) I told you that was where it is…

Go out of the building the way you came, make a left down the walkway, go all the way down and on the right side is the Washington Building, and Admissions is on the 2nd floor. They are in charge of the tours. Go out of the building the way you came, make a left down the walkway, go all the way down and on the right side is the Washington Building, and Admissions is on the 2nd floor. They are in charge of the tours. Go out of the building the way you came, make a left down the walkway, go all the way down and on the right side is the Washington Building, and Admissions is on the 2nd floor. They are in charge of the tours. Go out of the building the way you came, make a left down the walkway, go all the way down and on the right side is the Washington Building, and Admissions is on the 2nd floor. They are in charge of the tours….. AHHHHHHH

I Officially Have A Stalker

There is a random guy who pops up occasionally at my office. I met him after a show I did at Upright Citizen’s Brigade. He really liked the show and followed me and my friends to a bar. He was an interesting character for about 15 minutes, then he got to be adorably annoying, which quickly made it’s way to just plain annoying. Well, he recently became an art model on campus where I work and he is still one of my biggest fans.

Today, he called my office (I’m not sure how he got the phone number, probably online) and asked if I would meet him for lunch. I made an excuse and he countered with letting me know that he has “fresh marijuana for purchase”. Oh, well thank you for calling my work and offering to conduct a drug deal with me. I’ve never bought pot from this guy. I’ve never talked about buying pot from this guy. I’ve never even worn anything green around this guy. Why on earth, would you do that? Today is the second time this has happened.

I came back from lunch to find him crouched behind a trash can in the lobby. He had waited until I returned from my lunch break to say hello. Again, he wanted make sure I didn’t need “any special things”. Thank goodness he was talking in code, because no one would be able to decipher what he was saying, especially with his shifty eyes and t-shirt that read “Go Green or Go Home”. He eagerly asked when my next “comedy thing” was and if he could get on my mailing list. After I successfully dodged a verbose conversation about nothing, he handed me a flyer to a Ralph Nader fundraising event and left.

Of course.

Loud Plums

Plums are back in season! I know this because the old hag who sits behind me just slurped up two of them in a minute and a half flat. The poor plums screamed all the way down.

I’m excited to go to Georgia tomorrow, if only to give my ears a vacation.

Kid Sitter

               

When I was in kindergarten, I wanted to be a policeman when I grew up. I’m pretty sure that occupation was my wish only because the other boys said the same thing. In fifth grade, I wanted to be a nurse, but instead I told everyone I wanted to be a doctor. I was already suffering greatly from the social implications of having a Cabbage Patch Kid. In high school, I decided I wanted to be either an actor or a writer or a movie director or a lawyer. Nowhere along the road to becoming the adult I am today did I ever say I wanted to be a part-time babysitter.

This past Saturday night, I sat for my fave kids in Brooklyn – two boys, one in third grade, the other in first. We used to play Harry Potter, running around the house casting spells on each other, but this time, they made me play basketball. Like, real basketball. The third grader is really, really good. I didn’t have to try too hard to let him win. That’s what you are supposed to do when you play games with kids, right? Let them win? I’m not sure. Sometimes, I win a game of Chess and I do a victory dance and laugh at them. Maybe I am a bad winner. It’s a good lesson on how to lose with dignity.

I build people’s character everywhere I go.

13 to 31: Quack

You know what’s really awesome? Coming to work and getting an email from the head of security that some whacko student threatened to shoot up campus. I was given the student’s name. That’s it. Well, at least I’ll be prepared when he walks into my office and the first person he sees is little ol’ me. He won’t understand that I didn’t contribute negatively on whatever issue flipped his switch. I hope I have time to explain that all I do on campus is gchat and blog all day. Everyone comes to the Main Building to complain about shit. What if one of them really did have a gun? I can’t decide if this is serious or comedy material. Oh Christ. I’m numb.

Seriously, I am the first person when you walk into the Main Building. Casualty Number One. Awesometown.

Something else has been on my mind too this week. I don’t know who I am gonna vote for on American Idol! I genuinely love 14 of the 24 finalists. That’s crazy!

20 to 31: Pompous

“We drove around and around and the driver just couldn’t understand that you couldn’t drive through the people. It’s Chinese New Year for chrissakes alive, so we drove around and around some more like chickens with our heads cut off until I found a weak link in the armor of your security guards who finally let us in because I cant walk so well. I’m nearly 80 and I need to save my feet for parades and other social gatherings.

Can you put my hat somewhere nice? I don’t like it in the closet. It’s a spring hat and I really shouldn’t be wearing it yet, but I keep hoping it becomes spring soon. Please make sure that my hat is not crushed or otherwise distressed. It’s very pricey.

I assume these paintings are students work. Very good for a student. I was at the top of my class back in the day. My father sent me to live with relatives in France after graduation. The culture there was divine. The culture here in New York is a little to edgy, as the kids call it these days. I would just say ‘trashy’. One big trash heap. I’m surprised that I still own my buildings in Manhattan. I should just sell them off and move back to France. The east side isn’t what it used to be. If everyone acted a touch classier, this world would be a better place.

I’ll have a medium temperature espresso, if you have it, otherwise, nothing.”

21 to 31: Phoney

This just happened at 10:40am.

ME: Good afternoon, President’s Office.
CALLER: Afternoon? Come on, really?
ME: I’m sorry. Good morning, President’s Office.
CALLER: Now that’s better. You must not have had your coffee yet.
ME: I don’t drink coffee. Can I help you?
CALLER: I hope so! You sound tired.
ME: Haha.
CALLER: Where did I just call again?
ME: The President’s Office.
CALLER: Oh. For ConEd?
ME: No, this is the President’s Office at (School Name).
CALLER: I’m sorry, wrong number.

Wrong number? Come on, really?

Karma Police

Remember that old bitch who always riles me up at work? The one whose extreme negative energy infects my soul 40 hours a week? Her loud chewing noises stab me in my ears and in my heart? Well, I walked out of the restroom earlier yesterday afternoon to the sound of her crying. It was awesome! I didn’t know why and I didn’t care at the moment, but I instinctively found great delight in her blubbering. I felt bad right away when I found out that her sister or friend or somebody was just diagnosed with breast cancer. So, in order for the universe to be fair and balanced, I came home after work to find a large, wet, stinky hole in my ceiling… right above my bed.

The hole itself wasn’t as bad as having a completely soaked through mattress, dripping from top to bottom. My blankets and pillows were drenched. The ying and yang was restored quickly. I made a promise to whatever spiritual god-like diety thing that exists that I would be a good person from here on out. Now, I sort of know what it feels like to have a period bed only alot more wetness and not as vagina-ey.

My Nooner

My shoes and socks are drenched. I have swamp foot. My entire lower half of my body is wet, and not in a good way. I fell in a giant puddle. It was raining cats and dragons today and I was one of the storm’s victims. Now I know how Katrina survivors feel. It serves me right, though, for lying.

Today, I made plans with Booze Hound for what he called “a nooner”. This would also be known as an “Afternoon Delight” or “quickie on your lunch break” in layman’s terms. I work extremely close to where I live, so I thought it would be a fun to see what it’s like to rush home, take off my tie, and dump a load. I lied to my office and said that I had to go home and “let the guys who are there to fix the radiator in the apartment”.

Before I left, I had this amazing IM conversation with my friend on gchat.

me: i have an afternoon delight planned today
Nick: whats that
me: sex date at lunchtime
Nick: hes coming to your work?
me: no, home
i live close
Nick: are you guys eating lunch together?
me: nope
Nick: well when will you have lunch?
me: i dont know! i hadn’t thought of that
Nick: maybe you should have a snack before you go then
me: maybe
Nick: won’t you be hungry?
me: maybe, i’ll eat something quick at home
Nick: one time, in college, i met this guy
nevermind, its stupid
me: no! do tell! you can’t start a story and not tell it
Nick: well i met this guy online and we had never talked before or anything. we met at the school library and sat across from each other at our computer desks. we emailed each other back and forth commanding each other to do stuff like ‘roll up your sleeves’ or ‘cough three times’
it was hot
and it was nice that it was at a school library because it was clean and sexy, not like a city library or anything
me: omg i love it
Nick: then he would go look for books in an aisle and i would start looking for books next to him and we would just sort of start touching each other
me: you’re killing me, im dying
Nick: well this whole afternoon delight thing reminds me of that
me: this may be all i think about now during it
Nick: eat a snack first

I failed to eat a snack first and after the delight was finished, the sky had opened up and began creating huge puddles in the streets. Booze Hound ran to the subway, while I tried to gingerly hop across the forming rivers. It was the hardest rain I’ve seen in a long time. I was drenched in seconds, even with my water resistant jacket and umbrella ella ella.

At one point, there was an enormous puddle that covered the sidewalk. You couldn’t walk around it unless you walked in the street. I was very nervous of passing cars (I notice I tend to be jumpy in and around cars ever since The Crash) so while I was walking forward, I kept looking over my shoulder, for safety reasons. I slipped and fell in the puddle I was trying to avoid. Soaked from my waist to my toes. Shoes ruined. I almost started crying, but that would make me a bitch, so I didn’t, instead I whined, “Moooommmmmy” out loud and to no one. My cell phone was wet, my wallet was wet, my underwear was wet, my dick was wet, again, and the fact that I was still holding my umbrella ella ella seemed ludicrous. I trudged back into my office, super late from my break, and sat, dripping wet, at my desk.

I’m hungry.

Coffee Ramble

Apparently, I drink coffee now.

It makes sense though, since I should be addicted to something, and I don’t have enough money for coke. Wow, I love free coffee. I just drank up 5 cups of earthy goodness left over from a fancy luncheon at my office. I am drinking the President’s coffee for free!

It hits me so fast too! Like an abusive stepdad! Pow! Coffee! What a horrible analogy! My stepdad never hit me. Or did he? I don’t remember, he was stoned and angry alot – strange combo. He made me gut a fish once when we were camping and I cried. Man, I can feel a nice, healthy poop coming out soon! YAY!

I am really good at multi-tasking all of the sudden. Vito just called at the same time Rita dropped off the press releases from this week. Only I called her ‘Rito’ and wrote down that ‘Vita’ called on the message pad. Oh well. I’m going to New Orleans next week for Thanksgiving! I am pretty sure my life is gonna change soon! Yay me! Yay you! Hurricane Jeff is on it’s way!

Prank Calls

My friend Craig and I prank call each other’s work every day. We know we will always get the other on the phone. It’s a nice break in the call flow and usually funny. This past Monday, Day 2 of The Cleanse, he told me his girlfriends from London were coming to town that day and that I should meet them and that they are hilarious and awesome. Later that afternoon, the following call took place.

CALLER: (In a very proper English accent) Good day! Is the doctor in?
ME: I’m sorry, Dr. Filbert is in a meeting at the moment. Can I take a message?
CALLER: Oh that’s a shame, we really wanted to speak with the doctor.

(At this point, it clicks in my brain that Craig’s friends must have met him at his work and he had them prank call me. Oh, this is a good one! But, you have to try really hard to get one over on me. I decide to play along.)

ME: Yes, me too! Can I have your name and number? I will take a message for you.
CALLER: It’s Agatha Primrose at The Lucashire Foundation.
ME: Oh? Never heard of it. Where is that at?
CALLER: We’re a search firm based in London.
ME: Oh, I love London! So, you’re calling from across ‘the pond’, then are you?
CALLER: Um, yes.
ME: So if you are a search firm, then you probably have spoken with Betty Crocker in our Advisory Office? (There is no such thing as an Advisory Office)
CALLER: Um, no actually. We were hoping to speak to the doctor himself. He comes highly recommended. We are looking to fill a position at ‘university’.
ME: Oh, ‘university’? Well, that IS important.
CALLER: Yes indeed! And we would like to talk to the doctor because he is an important man.
ME: Have you tried talking to Barack Obama? He is a pretty important man these days.
CALLER: I’m sorry?
ME: You know, the nice black man who is gonna try to run for President?
CALLER: Alright, sorry to have wasted your time.

Then, she hung up. I told Craig about it and said ‘Nice try!’ He told me his friends didn’t get into town until that evening and they certainly did not prank call me.

Oops! Now I feel really bad for that lady. Especially since her name is Agatha Primrose.

Serious Bathroom Problem

I had this terrible issue happen today in the potty. Ever since I started this whacko diet, I will occasionally have a digestive…um, event. I wasn’t going to blog about it, but I gchatted one of my besties about the situation and he told me I should. Well. Here it is. I just cut and pasted the whole…um, scenario.

10:03 AM me: omg
10:04 AM i just had a serious bathroom situation
i had this overwhelming sense of poo, not like regular poo, like, my stomach hurts and it MIGHT be diarrhea poo
10:05 AM so i ran in there, even with like 5 things going on in the lobby
did my poo
THEN
10:06 AM i went to pull my pants up and a wad of wet, poo water toilet paper dropped in my underwears, but i didnt know it so i pulled them up and got wet, poo water on my butt
i have no fucking idea how that happened, poo magic
so i freaked out a little and sat down
then some dude came in
10:07 AM and left so i knew he was waiting for me outside
so i put the wad of paper in the toilet and flushed
but it didnt flush
the chain had broke
no flushing
so i tried to dry my underwear with new toilet paper
10:08 AM and wiggle my underwear back and forth in the air to help it dry
then the dude came back in
and left
i think he heard me air drying my panties
so i tried ot flush again
no flush
THEN I HAD TO POO AGAIN
so i did
as i was drying my panties
10:09 AM finally they werent sopping wet so i am now wearing damp panities
and had to reach by hand in the toilet bucket to fix the chain, so my arm is all toilet watery
and then they were out of MOTHERFUCKING soap
10:10 AM so i had to wash my ARM in the kitchenette where this stupid old lady was making her coffee
the end.
Craig: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
OMG OMG OMG!!!!
LOL!
can I send this to Claire?!
me: yes
Craig: and can you please blog about it?!

Talky Feely

I’m not a touchy-feely person. When the anti-drug slogan “Hugs not drugs” came out in grade school, I remember cutting the sticker to read “Drugs not hugs” and put it on the inside of my locker as a private joke to myself. My teacher noticed my young humor as she walked by and gave me detention. Even back then, I knew that I would rather smoke a doobie instead of hold an embrace. I sometimes wonder why.

However, I will talk about my emotions or feelings with others for hours – hell, in some cases, years. Even if the opportunity doesn’t present itself face to face, I will eventually push it to something… even if its in a letter or an awkward gmail gchat. I once wrote a love letter on the back of a script for ‘Hamlet’. So dramatic.

Today, I was sitting in the student cafeteria, when two arty kids came up to me. They were handing out “Free hugs” stickers. The boy didn’t say anything, just opened his arms to me and the girl sat down next to me and said, “You wanna cash in?” I laughed and she smiled, then she hugged me. I had to stand up to retrieve my second free hug. The whole thing was a little awkward, but cute, and it got me thinking.

I should hug more. Usually, I get a quick sense of tightness and dread just before a hug. I think I will try to power through this strange phenomenon. Get ready for hugs, people! If you can’t accept it, then you better get ready to give me an eight ball of coke or something.

Laugh Your Ass Off*

….and so it begins….

Today is day one of The Operation. My goal is to keep below 2000 calories – lower carbs, higher proteins, and lots of fruit, veggies and water. No juice, less sugar, and absolutely no vending machines of any kind. I already have completed breakfast and lunch. I am at 913 calories. Good game, Marx, good game.

This weekend, I went to give myself a haircut in the bathroom. A strange impulse overtook me, and I not only shaved my head, but I also stripped my goatee and sideburns from my face. My instincts took over the razor and sheared everything off my head. I went a little high school football/mindless army militia on myself in preparation for today. Instead, I only succeeded in making myself look 12 years old.

The true test comes after work when I fully anticipate having a seizure at my new free gym at (Name of School). The seizure will be induced by one of three things: too much sweat, too much anxiety, or too many hot arty boys. After “hitting the gym”, I will go home and finally watch ‘Gossip Girl’.

* This is the title of Cody’s weight loss show he wants to make. A reality show for fat comedians who want to lose weight. Its like ‘The Biggest Loser’, ‘Survivor’, and ‘Last Comic Standing’ all in one. I would watch it. Especially if I were in it. I also loved ‘Celebrity Fit Club’ with Ross The Intern. I need Ross The Intern by my side. I love him. Ross before. Ross after.